Marbles

Rolling here

And there i’ve been

Watching
Collecting marbles like 

Second hand lovers

That can’t fill the gaps
I’ve lost my marbles

You say, and you ask me if I have them

But I don’t because I gave them back
The only night you ever hurt me

And I said I couldn’t live in your

I world of gumdrops and lollipops
You ask me if I have seen them

And all I can say is that I gave them back
I wish I hadn’t. 

But I know I still have them. 
Holding on for dear life. 

Taking My Power Back: A Letter to My Former Partner That I Probably Won’t Send

C~

If you’re going to reach out-I’m here to step in first. The odds of you reaching out because the shit hit the fan with you and your latest sexual conquest are high. We have been here before, and the door is now closed. If you’re planning to reach out because you are finally in a good place, and you think enough time has passed, think again. It likely hasn’t. But know that I am happy for you. 

Before you reach out to me, recall that time I told you that I didn’t trust you. Know that it was because I was finally beginning to listen to my inner knowing. The things you were telling me about this other woman. The things I listened to with compassion and objectivity: that she drained your energy; that she seemed like a good match, but didn’t actually have her shit together; that you were about to tell her to take her crazy girl bullshit elsewhere; that you understood how distractions worked; that you were certain the only thing she wanted you to say was that you wanted to be her girlfriend, and that wasn’t going to happen; that you were going to stay single for the rest of the year; that I was the love of your life, and you’re okay with that. Etc. You know the drill. I bring up the past to show you why I have a particular stance in the present.

For the first time, I was actually recognizing the manipulation AS IT WAS HAPPENING. This “look at how desired I am. Look at all this awesome stuff in my life now that you’re gone.” Mixed with the intonation that, “Nobody is as awesome as you. Poor me.” This time,I actually even had a visualization of a chessboard, and pawns moving. But baby, I’m a queen. 

Of course, any person with a truly objective framing on this situation could see how clearly you were searching for approval. How you needed me to be a distraction from your distraction because your distraction stopped working. You needed me to supply the energy that you were lacking to move forward with your goal. And how easily i fall into my own toxic patterns. But when I didn’t give you what you were looking for, you went back to the other distraction. Of course, you just said, “Well, I’ve let you go.” Because it is that easy, right, just a switch flip and the feelings go away. That’s what you always said. But I was different, you said that, too. So, before you reach out know that I understand that I wasn’t. I just stuck around for a really long time, and I would always let you come back. In fact, I waited for it as anxiously as I waited for my next opportunity to leave when your true self began to emerge again. 

This time we were just going to be friends. And my “No” started to get stronger, “no you can’t come to visit,” wasn’t easy to say, but my god am I glad I had the strength to say it. So, if you’re planning on reaching out, remember-I’m worth more than a distraction, and I know that now. 

I find a comfortable respite in myself knowing that this is no longer a space of judgment for me. It is pure observation. The observation is that your words and actions do not match up. And that I don’t have to say that this is right or wrong for your life, but that it does not align with what I want in my own. 

This was the same thing that happened whenever you said you weren’t going to drink on a particular night and I learned to prepare for the shit storm that was coming because those were the nights you got most fucked up and combative. You say you’re sober now, and I am so proud of you for that growth and change. 

The day I told you your controlling behavior toward me was your alcoholism manifesting in a different way, I was just trying to get you to see where you were still hurting, and how that was also hurting me. 

 I don’t want to be in a space where I am constantly on edge preparing an emergency kit for the shit storm that is brewing in your own soul. Nor do I want to exist in a space where the wreckage is frequent, and blame is passed like a hot potato. And I don’t want the feeling of constant questioning to keep rising because I just cannot make sense of things that just don’t make sense. Like telling me you don’t want kids, but telling another friend that you do. My apologies for the assumption, but it seems like the partner of 7 years who had been pushing for babies for two years might be a little higher on the list of people to tell you wanted kids. Instead, I was just told “no.”

So, before you reach out again, understand that I now require a level of integrity of those I invite into my life-something you have repeatedly shown me you do not possess. 

Sexual conquests, and drinking aren’t the only things. It’s also about how you talk about your friends. Always complaining. Yet spending your time with them anyway. I often wonder how many of them actually know who you are. But then I wonder if I ever did. And finally I wonder if you do. Regardless, I know how much I don’t want to be one of them because I don’t deserve to be treated that way, and I know that there’s no way that I got some sort of free pass where I’m just the unicorn for whom you only have good things to say. Because I understand how fucked up I have been, too. It gets like that when you keep fighting for something you believe in, but doesn’t actually exist.  I really believed you were the person I wanted you to be-the person you said you were. For some, ignorance really can be bliss, but I cannot live a life filled with illusion and delusion anymore-be it mine or someone else’s. So, before you reach out to me, please take a long deep look into your own life choices, and try to understand why this door is finally closed. 

For the record, I’m not a jealous person. No matter how much you’ve convinced me otherwise. I often went back and forth between I don’t trust you, and I don’t trust myself. Both were true. The bigger truth is that I’m a highly intuitive person who learned a long time ago not to listen to that voice because there was no point…I had no power over my circumstances. Now, I can listen to that little knowing because I am not a helpless kid anymore. I am the master of my own destiny. My jealousy in our relationship was never unfounded. In fact, there was more evidence piled up over the years of why I COULDN’T trust you than why I COULD. I knew every move you were going to make before you made it. And I asked you about it hoping you could give me a rational explanation to extinguish my own fear.

 Maybe this was negative manifestation, but maybe this was my intuition guiding me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t effectively translate that through my own inner knowing and I consistently gave my power over to you while simultaneously trying to control the outcome which I was never going to be able to do. I wanted so badly to trust you, and you and I both know I tried. I sought truth around every corner, and the more I searched the more scared you got. The more scared you got, the more you acted out. It was a vicious  cycle.

So, before you reach out, understand that I really do just know things, and I’m okay with that now. It’s a skill that still needs some fine tuning, but I accept this part of myself I have rejected for so long. I’m breaking my own cycles, and in doing so, I have to break all contact with you. This is my power now, and you can no longer drain it.  

The serenity prayer asks us to find the space of acceptance for the things we can’t change, courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It took me a really long time to understand that “accepting someone flaws and all” in the name of love did not mean “accepting unacceptable behavior that is damaging to our own spirit.” It took me a long time to understand that courage and fear were two sides of the same coin. It took me even longer to understand what it is I am truly afraid of. It took me a long time to gain the wisdom that comes with the clarity of knowing that sometimes people just aren’t a good match for one another. So, before you reach out, remember that I am no longer waiting for you to change. I have accepted who you are, and I found the courage to step into my own fear of abandonment to say, “hey, if they leave you…that’s nothing about you. Because you, my darling, are awesome, and sometimes that’s too much for some people.” And that’s okay. You were too much lie, and I was too much believe. 

I told you that I believed you were capable of making the best choices for your own life. Well, I wanted to believe that. I wanted you to believe that. The more and more I watched you say one thing and do the opposite-the more I knew I needed to restore my own energy reserves.  I hope that you have come to realize all of these “flaws” in yourself, and I hope you can use them to propel yourself forward. As I have come to realize where I was the poison in that relationship. Sometimes our strengths and weaknesses are so closely related we get lost on the path of our own knowing. So, before you reach out, please understand I am finally on my right path, and nobody has the will to pull me off. 

I’m not here to blame you or myself. This message is meant to bring clarity, and provide a space of forgiveness for myself and you. Remember, we are always mirrors. I was so afraid of being abandoned by you, or by anyone, I accepted the unacceptable over and over again. There was a part of me that thought I deserved the emotional abuse. I had abandoned myself.  There was a piece still hurting inside me that thought if I could just behave better, then you would still love me, and you wouldn’t leave. I know, it seems like I left-of course, I exited the space that you claimed we shared, but at every opportunity exercised your right to show how it was your house, and I was a visitor. I’m not talking about physically leaving. Leaving happens in many other ways. You left whenever you shut down. Unfortunately, you were always going to leave. You had to. One, its in your nature. Loyalty is not your strong suit. Sorry, but it clearly isn’t, as evidenced from the years I tried to make sense of it all, but mostly from that last incident when I told you I was hurting, and you tried to push it away for another day, but more importantly for the way you went to another woman in order to avoid what was going on with me-the one you claimed to love. That’s not love. And I don’t deserve that. So, before you reach out, understand that I already have all the answers, and everything else I ever thought I needed from you. 

I waited a long time for an apology I would never receive from you. I even listened to your stories about how poorly you felt for what you had done to these other women, and tried to believe you as you tried to convince yourself that I was somehow different. i kniw now that i wasn’t. and with every missed opportunity for you to apologize to me, my wounded ego grew more sour. I needed to forgive you, and I needed you to feel remorse. But I couldn’t make you feel something you didn’t. I couldn’t make you love me the way I needed to be loved.

Eventually, I had to forgive myself. It wasn’t you that needed to apologize to my soul. It was me. When I began to forgive myself for staying in a space that I did not belong: a space where I was a secret, a scapegoat, an emotional dumping ground, a crisis counselor, and a convenience, but not a lover, a true friend, a real partner, or companion; I finally did let you go. And I finally grabbed on tight to myself because I have the strongest love anybody could ever give me. 

So, before you reach out just know that wherever I am, whatever I am doing, and whoever I’m with…I am delightfully happy, just as I said I would be. And know that my happiness never had space for you. And it still doesn’t. 

I hope that you have found the right space to fit into. I hope she really is what you need and deserve-and I know she is for better or worse, but not as in marriage vows. I mean, even when the shit hits the fan she was the best choice you could have made so I could finally save me. I still hope you can love her in all the ways we couldn’t seem to love each other. 

If my assumption about you and her is wrong it doesn’t matter either way. Because this is the only version of you I can ever know. Because it is the one you have most consistently shown me-a predator, a liar. When I finally stepped back to observe the actions rather than rely on the words you used to build the illusion, and the way that illusion best fit my needs at the time. I find truth, clarity, and hope. 

I hope you understand the true reason our paths crossed. All the lessons to be gained from all the years we spent dancing with the devil. I’m finally learning to love myself. I’m finally seeing my own power. So, before you reach out, do us both a favor. Please, just don’t. 
❤️~T

Crossroads

We walked down E Bay Street

Charleston, SC 

Searching for our way back

Home. 
Both of us knew we needed

To make a left turn soon. 
I said at Vendue

She said at Queen
We argued for three blocks

Until we reached the 

corner of fate and destiny
At the crossroads

We were looking for the same thing

Calling it a different name
To the right-Vendue

To the left-Queen
We were both correct

We were both wrong
Viewing it from

Different sides

Of the street
She wouldn’t admit it

Only that she was more right

As we both turned left
We both knew 

where we were going

We just could not reconcile

A way to get there together. 
I took her hand as we turned 

left down queen st. 

Vendue behind me
We made our way home

But I no longer lived there. 

Scars

I wonder if

You still have that scar 

From that burn

Hiding under your watch

On your left wrist
And when you check the time

Do you know if it’s right?
There is a vein that runs

From our heart straight to our left ring finger. 

That’s why we put our 

wedding rings there. 
But that was as close

as I could get then.  
I told you I burn everyone

I love. Sometimes

On purpose. Sometimes 

By accident. 
But you were different. 

You were always different.
I wonder if you have that burn mark

I wonder if you ever think of me. 

I wonder if it’s time. 

 

Unnecessary apologies flood the drain pipes. Nobody wants to hear you regurgitate your practiced self pity performance piece. You cram your fingers down your own throat because you’ve run out of chests to poke, and people to blame. 
All I wanted was to be your friend. Extend my hand in an offering of peace. But my hand was so quickly twisted behind my back, as you sang your war cry from the top of your mounting love. 
The ship sank before we could build it. People in glass houses watched as we tried to cast our words, 

Killing two birds with one stone. 
The ocean is a dangerous place. Sublime. There are feelings that arise with no words in sight. The waves come and go, leaving their mark on the land. Rising tides are nature’s course, a contract to keep us at attention. 
The earth doesn’t apologize for her syncopation. She merely asks that we recognize the rhythm. All care that turns to fury when one force opposes another. 
Standing at the peak of the mountain with my feet safely planted in her earth, I can see for miles. 

BreakingDownBarriers

{An actual text message sent June 4, 2016}

I want to exist 

in a space I know my heart is safe. 

I want to go

somewhere I never have to question myself or my lover.

 I want to go 

somewhere I never have to wonder who the next person is going to be that my partner is lusting over while I lay empty in the bed next to her. 

I want to go 

to a space where nobody has ever said, “I wish I would have fucked her while she was in town” or “I’ll probably just think of her when I fuck you” or “you were a challenge, I guess I lost this round. On to the next one.” Just to be questioned and blamed when I feel insecure. 

I want to exist 

in a place where I never have to think about and pray for the strength to say tough things like this because the situation will never even exist. 

I want to go 

to a place where all the names of your other lovers don’t sting just as much as “you weren’t good enough” because I will know I’m plenty good enough. 

I want to exist 

in a place where nobody has ever argued with me over what I already know. Or told me that I was wrong or crazy, just to tell me later that I wasn’t either of those things. 

I want to go 

to a place where I know I won’t be lied to. And in that place I will remind myself every day how much I deserve because I will have it. I won’t ever have to ask for its specifics, and then wonder if my partner is just following instructions or following their heart. 

I want to exist 

in a space that is not free from mistakes, but apologies are sincere, and never forced or questioned. 

I want to exist 

in a world where there is no “you can have this if you behave like that,” and love is given freely, and fear is only a part of the whole. 

I want to go 

where I can say I’m hurting, and my partner cares more about my pain than their ego. 

I want to go 

far away from the poison you’ve fed me that you called love. 

I did go. I exist here. 

Boomerang

Esoteric

First kiss fireworks 

Independence Day
One line

I am magic

Kissing on a chair

In the middle of

the art show
Trains and

Rooftops

Sunrise kisses
I was Cinderella

She pulled a Switchblade

It was Love at first light

November

Night rain 

Leaf collecting

Promises
I know the secret to 

shaving around the knee

Relax
The scream

Filling sheets with sun

On a winter morning

Solo adventures
perfect company

Her smile 
Isn’t the same

Christmas full moon magic
Maybe we could be

Something brilliantly different
If we’re brave enough 

To catch it

If we’re brave enough
Something brilliantly different

Maybe we could be
Christmas full moon magic

Isn’t the same
Her smile

perfect company
Solo adventures

On a winter morning

Filling sheets with sun

The scream
Relax

shaving around the knee

I know the secret to
Promises

Leaf collecting 

Night rain 

November
It was Love at first light

She pulled a Switchblade 

I was Cinderella 
Sunrise kisses

Rooftops

Trains and
The art show

In the middle of

Kissing on a chair 
I am magic

One line
Independence Day

First kiss fireworks

Esoteric