False Evidence Appearing Real

That day you left me at work

You forgot about me. 

But you showed up eventually. 

I believed that I was an inconvenience.
That day you left me and turned off your phone. I believed that I deserved your abandonment. And that I would always be waiting. 
That day you spent the night at your ex-girlfriend’s house. 

I believed you that You were the most important thing in your life. And I never would be. When I knew I needed to walk away, but couldn’t find the strength; I taught you exactly where my weakness was. 
That day you went Christmas shopping,

But you were with another woman. I believed that I would always turn away from myself to keep you comfortable. 
The day I finally asked you about her, I believed that if I paused long enough and sat with the gripping pain in my stomach I could ignore it for a really long time. 
The day I wrote you that letter explaining that I would not sweep things under the rug, I allowed you to talk me into staying. I believed that words meant more than actions. 
That day you told me you didn’t drink I believed that you could hide yourself from me, and I would paint it in the brightest light. 
That day you masturbated in the shower I believed that your needs were more important than mine. And that compassion and understanding were words to you, but real to me and that I could figure out a way to live with that. 
That day you told me about another woman again

 I believed that confessions cancelled out transgressions. That day you told me that you would probably just think about her when you fuck me. I believed I was nothing. 

That day you chose to keep drinking and disappeared while I slept in the car I believed that I would be ignored. 
That day I went to jail for fighting with you I believed you that I could take the punishment for your misdeeds. 
That day we talked in your truck                   I believed that my pain would keep me tied to you for a very long time. 
That day I said I couldn’t do this anymore

I believed that I had a breaking point. 
That day you came into my apartment unannounced, and left I believed it was okay to come and go at your own convenience, and that I would always feel bad if my actions made you uncomfortable no matter how good my intentions were. 
That day You told me that you were going to your best friend’s wedding alone-that you were a loser. I told you that you weren’t. I believed that some lies deserved my sympathy. 
That day I found out you didn’t go to your best friend’s wedding alone I believed that it was okay for me to miss out on things to better fit your comfort. 
That day I let you tell me you missed me and let you back in I believed that I would always be there whenever you were lonely enough. 
That day we tried to get sober I believed that I could accept your problems as my own.
That day we fought in my apartment I believed that your pain was my fault. 
That day we fought at my mom’s house I believed that your illness wasn’t your fault and that my pain was worth the cost of your pleasure. 
That day you left me to get sober I believed that there was something wrong with me. 
That day you went back to a third woman I believed that your inability to connect emotionally to others was a reasonable solution to your pain. 
That day I took you back I believed that no matter how hard you pushed me away I would always come back. 
That day you told me that you didn’t worry about me because I always handled my shit I knew I needed to believe something new. 
That day you told me that you revisited your core values, but could not tell me how our relationship fit into them I believed I would sit in uncomfortable silence and wait until you came up with a more appealing lie; instead I delivered more harsh truths 
That day I told you your words and actions didn’t match up I honored my truth. I began to believe something more than perpetual confusion. I believed in security and clarity. 
That day you were angry because there was laundry in the dryer I believed I deserved to be with someone who wanted to support me emotionally.
That day I left I believed I’d be back when you were better. 
That day I told you I’ve never actually wanted to leave you, but you couldn’t give me a reason to stay I believed that you could pretend your way back to me. 
Every time you held onto me through phone conversations while you were living a separate life I believed you that you could lie to me and I would feel bad for you. 
That day I finally connected the dots, and realized your deepest secret I learned why I was always putting my needs aside for yours. 
That day you asked me about that Instagram blast I believed that I knew things, but I would still allow myself to deny my inner knowing. 
That day you told me that I had no right to tell you what you can and can’t do with your body I believed that my body was not worthy of my respect. Or yours. 
That day you told me you needed me to hate you I believed how much you really hated yourself. 
That day I asked you about the red head I believed that your shame overpowered my truth. And that secrets were the same as lies. 
That day you told me about Calofornia.     I believed that your money was more important than my emotional security.
That day you came back I believed that I was too weak to trust myself. 
That day you told me you were in the tail end of letting me go I understood that I didn’t believe things that didn’t meet my wishes. 
That day you told me you owed it to me to support me through school I believed that too little too late wasn’t real. 
That day I cried in the bathroom asking you to tell me what you wanted I believed that I was incapable of choosing my own life. 
That day I told you you could come to Knoxville I believed that your happiness was more important than my own, and that I would share everything with you. 
That day I told you that every with hurtful thing you’ve ever done to me I felt bad for YOU. I believed that I was getting tired of carrying the weight of that secret that is yours. 
That day I asked you if it ever occurred to you to apologize, and you said no                 I believed that you held no regard for anyone other than yourself. 
That day I graduated and you yelled at me because my anxiety in the situation cost you a picture from the event that you didn’t get to attend I believed that it was always going to be all about you. 
That day I went to Knoxville and you told me to do what was best for me, but flew off the handle when “that wouldn’t work for you” I believed you were just scared. 
All the times you told me to plan as if you weren’t coming, and you would try I believed that you weren’t as skilled at manipulating as you thought you were. 
That day you asked me to come to Charleston I believed that my safety was less important than your security. 
That day we left for Charleston I knew it was really over. 
That day we went on a hike I noticed how my body felt with you-constantly pulling forward, but being held back. 
That day I told you that I was starting to believe that making you happy was an impossible task. I started to believe for myself. 
That day I asked you why a friend thinks you want to have kids, but you’ve always told me No, I finally believed that I no longer believed your lies. 
That day we went to dinner and you were in a state of panic the whole time I believed that I would no longer take on your problems as my own. I was delightfully happy despite your impending doom. 
That day we came home from Charleston and you were freaking out about the bug bites, and you wanted me to go to the doctor with you because you didn’t want to drive the jeep I believed that what you say is as important as what you mean, and that pushing me away was finally going to work.
That day we went to yoga and you freaked out because you felt ignored I believed that I was no longer going to accept the unacceptable-my standards were rising to meet my expectations. 
That day we argued about having kids or being married I believed that I could not accept your words anymore. There was never a sense of authenticity in your promises-and I don’t want that kind of uncertainty. 
That day you told me that you let all of that shit go, and that I wasn’t living in the moment I believed that you hadn’t because you keep doing the same thing. 
That day I asked you who you were and you flew into a rage I believed that your lies were crumbling around you. 
That day I asked you what was important to you, and you couldn’t answer I believed that we were never going to work. 
That day I told you that I was hurting and you took the defensive I believed that I had been living with a monster. 
When you ignored me and went to a fifth woman’s home                                                   I believed that I was finally ready to stand up for myself. And I finally understood my worth.
That day I told you i was done letting you hurt me and you stopped being so mean I believed how much you didn’t want to be with me. 
When it was no more emotional tug o’ war I believed that I could break free. 
When I broke free I started to really believe in me. 
6/29/2016

  

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