BreakingDownBarriers

{An actual text message sent June 4, 2016}

I want to exist 

in a space I know my heart is safe. 

I want to go

somewhere I never have to question myself or my lover.

 I want to go 

somewhere I never have to wonder who the next person is going to be that my partner is lusting over while I lay empty in the bed next to her. 

I want to go 

to a space where nobody has ever said, “I wish I would have fucked her while she was in town” or “I’ll probably just think of her when I fuck you” or “you were a challenge, I guess I lost this round. On to the next one.” Just to be questioned and blamed when I feel insecure. 

I want to exist 

in a place where I never have to think about and pray for the strength to say tough things like this because the situation will never even exist. 

I want to go 

to a place where all the names of your other lovers don’t sting just as much as “you weren’t good enough” because I will know I’m plenty good enough. 

I want to exist 

in a place where nobody has ever argued with me over what I already know. Or told me that I was wrong or crazy, just to tell me later that I wasn’t either of those things. 

I want to go 

to a place where I know I won’t be lied to. And in that place I will remind myself every day how much I deserve because I will have it. I won’t ever have to ask for its specifics, and then wonder if my partner is just following instructions or following their heart. 

I want to exist 

in a space that is not free from mistakes, but apologies are sincere, and never forced or questioned. 

I want to exist 

in a world where there is no “you can have this if you behave like that,” and love is given freely, and fear is only a part of the whole. 

I want to go 

where I can say I’m hurting, and my partner cares more about my pain than their ego. 

I want to go 

far away from the poison you’ve fed me that you called love. 

I did go. I exist here. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s