Confessions of a Survivor

This is my business. My nitty gritty. My truth slowly emerging. My silence is angry. My hurt yearns to speak. My anger is transforming to sadness. Searching for my happy. This is my truth.   

I’m not going to pretend I’m over something I’m not. I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t love her with everything I had. I’m not going to pretend that everything is easy because it isn’t. I’m not going to sit here and say with a straight face that I am happy because I’m not. I will say that I am okay with that. 

I will say; there is a lot of hurt that I have to get through in order to heal. And this time, my choice is to dig deep within myself. Scrape my soul of all the hurt that has accumulated over the past 8 years, and the years before that. I am wounded, yes. I am also responsible for my role in it: My gross co-dependency and addiction to the addict.

 I am responsible for my own recovery. No matter how long that takes. No matter the path I choose. And right now, I need a whole lot of solitude, and a whole lot of writing. And a few sweet angels who say, “I’m here. I’m listening.” 

I’m tired of so many people around me dismissing me and silencing me: parents, friends, and colleagues. this isn’t anything negative about them. simply, telling me to just “let it go” or “release it” no matter how well intended does not acknowledge the depth of the pain that I am experiencing. No, I don’t need pity parties or sympathies. I just need to be heard.

I’m done feeling ashamed of my difficult emotions. I cannot fight off shame, embarrassment, and hurt with more shaming or dismissal. And for the record-I AM NOT HOLDING ON. I AM WORKING MY WAY THROUGH. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY OUT. 

I might be physically out of the relationship, but unless you are part of the population who has experienced this particular kind of crazy-making environment, you just simply don’t understand. That’s okay. You don’t have to. But I do. I have to understand why I allowed myself to be treated the way I have been. 

This story is not a love story, although for anlong time it was all i knew love to be. This is a story of what toxicity looks like between two people. This is a story of someone taking one step forward and three steps back searching for truth through someone who continually tells lies, or maybe more accurately, convenient truths-what we all want to hear. 

I believed so much of it. I guess I’m a good liar, too. At least, really good at self deception. That is to say, I’ve held on to some core beliefs that have seriously undermined my inherent worth. That hurts. Recognizing that is jarring. And I have to unlearn a lot of stuff in order to re-learn myself. 

When our relationships end-it fucking hurts. It should. I don’t want to experience the pain and sadness and grief. But I know I need to embrace it and not run and hide from it-not distract myself from it. Not pretend I am anything other than what I am right now: scared, lonely, and hurting.

 
When we take a giant step toward something new-it’s kinda fucking scary. This big part of my journey began almost a year ago. I’ve spent a year in turmoil. Every couple months building boundaries and breaking them apart. I’m tired. I’m tired of playing the fool. I’m not a fool. What I am-is hurt.

Recently, I read this quote, “If it hurt, then it was hurtful.” (my apologies for not knowing where it came from.) The takeaway is the same. Whether someone else is able to acknowledge that their actions hurt us or not, we must acknowledge that we are hurt. In an ideal world, our partners and lovers would recognize this, and console us. I did not live in that world.

I am working through whole lot of hurt from a whole lot of years of not quite understanding what it means to give my power away. A whole lot of years believing things that simply weren’t true. Some coming from others. Many things coming from myself. I held onto the belief that I wasn’t worthy of love, and that I had to earn my place in someone else’s life, and if I didn’t behave in a certain way, then that “love” would be revoked, and i would be empty, again. And this showed up in my life, a lot. My former partner openly admitted to withholding affection from me. I cannot remember her reason, but that’s irrelevant. I could never understand why she would do that, or why she would admit it without acknowledging the pain it must have caused me. I guess we both believed I could be treated less than, and that it would be okay. We were both wrong.

My inner child aches to be heard and understood. Most of this is about my relationship with the sad 8 year old I have always talked about, but never really talked to. This strange, long standing, distorted perception of my own self-worth kept me attached to a person who believed that their behavior was acceptable. And I reinforced that by my inability to speak up for myself, and to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.

I’m done. Finished. Ready. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of hurting myself and others. I’m tired of only knowing coldness, and being called cold. Tired of giving without receiving, and thinking that is okay. I’m tired of asking for what I need and being told no, or being told yes with no follow through. I’m tired of wondering. I’m tired of asking questions to try and gain understanding, but just opening myself up to more lies. I’m tired of believing things that aren’t true. I’m tired of being blamed for my emotions. I’m tired of isolating myself because I can only truly feel safe when I’m alone. I’m tired of thinking that it’s okay to accept the unacceptable, and that some love is better than no love. I’m tired of settling for people who care more about themselves than they do about anything else. I’m tired of sacrificing my needs to keep someone else safe and secure. I’m tired of fighting over things that could just be conversations. I’m tired of the weight of silence, and the emptiness that persists when my needs aren’t being met. 

This is sad. This is true. This has been my life. 

I’m ready to change it. I’m ready to receive. I’m ready to believe. I’m ready to know truth. I’m ready to be my real me. I’m ready to stand up and say that I deserve love, respect, openness, honesty. I’m ready to see that someone thinks I’m just as great as I think they are. 

I’m tired of the poison. I’m tired of the crazy making. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of the mind games and emotional land mines. 
I’m ready to rest and rebuild. 

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