Notes from September 7, 2015

I met with a psychic. She asked me if I was there to discuss a relationship. 

“No. Not really. My relationship is good. But I suppose relationship advice can’t ever hurt.”

She told me that I cannot fix her.

“This is chemical.” She emphasized over and over again. “Have her get her hormones checked.” 

“These are the going off the wagon cards.”

“There will be a betrayal. It will not be you. It will definitely be her. It will cause you a lot of pain and emotional turmoil, but you will let go.”

“There is a chance that if she gets the help she needs the sun can really shine with her again. And you two could live a pretty happy life together.”

 Still, she said I’m here to heal people, to show them my light. She warned me not to allow the shadows of others inhibit my glow. 

“But you. Oh you. You’re a healer.”

“No. You can’t heal her. This is chemical.”

She said we’d been lovers in many past lives and that it was no good. 

She reminded me that I always choose the emotionally unavailable. 

“You’re an empath.”

And that I am a temple. lol 

“You have made a habit of lettting the wing ones in. Protect your body. This is important.”

She told me I had the goddess number. 33

She counted two blockages in my third eye. 

She said my 33rd year would be my best. For my career. 

“The texts need you. You’re the interpreter.”

She said, of course I would get my PhD-that was never the real question. 

I guess she’s probably right. 

Feb 20, 2016

You would think that. That you love me and you hate me. And when you tell me you want me to hate you-I won’t. I gave enough energy over the last seven years trying to love you and get you to love me I don’t have any energy left with which to hate you. I’m looking for that space where I can tuck you into my heart. I’m using the memory of you and us to fill that crack, and I’m cementing with my own power to rise from the ashes that persist from the final last time I tried to enter the fire you fucking set. Don’t be confused. It was not a heat of passion, but a conflagration of selfish conquest. A consecration of all things unholy. It wasn’t beautiful. It was a fucked up pattern of hurt and unavailability. 
 I’m not a prize to be won. I’m not a challenge to have conquered. I am the power you sought, but could not gain. I even tried to hand it over to you. I tried to teach you. I tried to show you how to melt. But the only rocks that ever melted are the ones that went the deepest into the core of their own earth. 

Andrea Gibson wrote, “love. It isn’t always magic. Sometimes it’s melting where it’s black and black blue. Where it hurts the most.” But there was no melting. Just stone throwing. I’m just black and blue. I don’t love you. I don’t hate you. I’m just healing. 

Love Poem •may 2014•

I always knew. You knew. 

A thousand thank 

yous drowned

in my thoughts. Shoved under

 my pillow 

many sleepless nights. 

I have held fuck yous tight 

between my teeth. Fearing 

always of saying too much 

too soon. 
I have never been one 

to hold in my words, and lately 

I’ve been having trouble 

getting them out. 
I am Finding them, hidden 

beneath two years of guilt and confusion. 
you were the one 

who knew the whole time. 
My pieces were scattered. 

In every palm I traced. 

I collected pieces of you left behind. Wondering always if you held 

the secret that I 

couldn’t grasp. 
Two years and I 

understand. It was never a secret. 

We wear our traumas 

like victories. 
Behind each set

 of eyes we can find 

something new 

about ourselves.

 
You were the bent corner in a book I have been writing. Holding my place. So that I could return to this story, somewhere near the middle and remember how it ends. 

I’m thinking of the line from “Big Fish” when he says, “this isn’t how I go.” 

I’m thinking of the cliché, ” if it’s not okay in the end, then it’s not the end.”

 I have sat wedged in between those two sentiments for over two years. 

The anniversary of 

our breakup is this Sunday. 
I hadn’t thought about that until just now. It doesn’t hurt like it used to. Nothing hurts like it used to. 
I used to stare at her and agony would fill my empty spaces. I lost her long before I left her. That is why I had to go. Does any one understand what it feels like to love someone so deeply, but they are so far from themselves it has become increasingly difficult to even recognize them? That is heart break.

 
Today, I look into her big green eyes with a new lens. It reflects the light through both her and I. That is why we keep our curtains drawn.
I’m sorry you knew before I did. But I am glad, too. Because without your knowing, I most certainly would have never learned.
  So, thank you. For keeping her safe. For letting her grow. For changing our lives for the better. 
Go back. 

go back to December2012, in the garage. After that bottle of Jameson hit her demons. 

Rewind to October 2012. When you were discarded. September 2012, when you Thought she was someone special for you. 

Keep going back. 

August 2012, when she met you. 

July 2012, when we cried together on the couch as I left my key on the coffee table. 

June 2012, when I stayed in our house and she left for a while. That’s how I know what empty means. 

May 2012, when enough had been enough but it still wasn’t enough. 
Go back to December 2013 when fate finally caught up. November 2013, when you thought you might actually have her. October 2013 when being the friend wasn’t as easy as you were trying to make it seem. September 2013, when she finally stood up to me. August 2013 when your broken heart got lost in hers. 

July 2013 when my heart turned to dust and it settled under the love seat where I plead, on my knees, for her to just let me stay. 

 Come here, May 2014. Where all those dust particles have come back together into a cohesive whole.

In japan, they mend broken things with melted gold. 
For the past two years we have been making Japanese art of our hearts. In the last five months we have really figured out the trade. And today, we have mastered the peace. And that is love. 

The End

July 2014

She sent me a text message. 

Robotic, disconnected, impersonal

Words received and redirected from another to me. 

Words like; unfamiliar territory, no more contact, and most hurtful

A relationship is not something I can have in my life right now. 

These words are engrained behind my eyes. Lingering in the space between my perception and my consciousness. 

They have shifted in meaning numerous times as I cycled through my grief; extending through about two years of my mid twenties. Some before and some after, this message was the climax of our tainted love chronicle.

But this is a story within a story, as life so often is. 

Today, I know that if she could have, she would have just told me she was scared.

But fear is never that simple. 

It wears disguises, and blames those around us. And shame is more hurtful for the sorry than the other party. 

One year ago today, she walked out of my life, silently. 

Today, I sit in silence and thank her for all the moments we have shared, all the moments we have missed, and mostly for the opportunity to have new moments together. 

A life in which text messages are not the only safe form of communication. Disconnected is only our choice to escape from the world outside in order to be more together. 

Robotic is reserved for the machines, which we are decidedly not. 

She left me less than human, and returned in the most beautifully put together human version of herself. 

It is nice to have this human relationship. 

It is nice to feel so humanly loved. 

It is nice to know that I was somewhat capable of letting her go and rewire herself. 

Connection is not something we can fabricate. 

Connected to her was something I had always felt.

I could sense it when her life was moving in different spaces despite our no contact rule. 

I missed her every day. 

Trying my best to move on, only to discover that it was an illusion I had provided to myself through my own actions. 

Poem

I’m losing water

I’m losing heat

Creating steam

Changing states 
The sea dried up

Waves no longer crashing

Below, but shifting 

Up reaching the cosmos
The sea crawled up 

And caught herself steady

Magnamonious

As a mountain stable

And sure 
In the spring there will be 

New life in these branches
Elemental transformation

Liquid, solid

            Aghast. 

No longer daring people into my depths

No more diving into the wreck
This earth supports

Rooted in truth

Saved only for those 

Determined to climb. 

Letting Go is So Hard When You Really Want to Hold on to the Illusion

I’m sharing this text of the last time I tried to break myself free from a very toxic relationship. I am my own most destructive force. I know this. I give my power to her and then blame her when I have given too much. I know this, too. She came in and I did not listen to my inner knowing. My mind always screams “STOP”, and my heart whispers “just one more time” and we hash it out until my ego takes over and says-“you can control this.” 

The cycle has shortened to about two weeks before I can’t resolve the inner conflict and I absolutely have to cut myself out to regain some semblance of my own sanity. 

I’m learning to listen to myself, to articulate clearly, and I am trying like hell to take responsibility for my own stuff and not spread my pain like the disease it has become. There are more than a few entanglements in this relationship. The final one being the woman she always goes back to in between in our “had enough” spaces. They claim friendship. My gut tells me that there is something more deeply twisted about it. I don’t know what. I just know I want out of the entanglement. 

Always, in an effort to save myself I cut her off from me. If we are in contact, I will try to get her to change her behavior to fit my needs. She won’t. This clash between pride and jealousy has eroded both of our sense of self. 
Her: I’m not taking the easy way out. You’re cutting me off again. 

Me: That’s true. We can agree on that. Whether you see it or not…you’re choosing her in a way that I can see is not taking you anywhere good either. I know you the best, remember?
Because you “don’t think” I can’t control that. I can’t help you. You don’t need my help. You definitely don’t want my help. That’s my ego issue. And my desire to say I want better for you. My control issues. My desire to see you say-oh fuck-I want better for me, too! To look at the gross stuff. And to grow. To start to think from one thing to the next. 
But ultimately you end up putting me in a position where I feel forced to remove myself. 
Because when you “don’t think” it hurts me. And you haven’t figured it out yet. Which means….you hurt me. And I haven’t figured out yet that I can’t want “better” for you than you want for yourself. I can’t want you to be different for me. I just have to go find different. 
I wish I didn’t care. I really, really wish that. But I do care. And because I care, and because I care about my own happiness, and that alone is within my realm of control-I have to go away. I HAVE TO CUT YOU OFF. not because you’re a monster. Not because I don’t like {sic}. Not even because I feel like a secret. 
But because I have to learn to choose myself. And every time I choose you, I’m not choosing me. Because you “don’t think” but that’s how relationships actually work-we consider the other people in our lives. And that’s why this one never does. 
You choose me when it’s easiest. And I’m not easy. That’s what I see. You choose me when you miss me, or you’re lonely. Because I’m always there. Because I haven’t learned how to say no to you and protect my energy and my space. And then this happens because I didn’t just say ENOUGH. Because I didn’t just say “no more”. 
Because I’m still in love with you. Because I haven’t let go of the hope that you will grow in my direction. 
You can choose {sic} in this way because the depth isn’t there that we have. I get that. But I can’t continue to exist in this chaos that you create and I perpetuate. 
You always ask-what do you want me to do??? And i always say I want you to do what’s best for you. And you always pick the option that moves you away from me. I get it now. I’m letting you go. You have shown me that I am not your best choice. And I receive that message with gratitude this time. I accept it. But with that acceptance comes a closed door. Because-choices. And this is mine. 

Two Lists||One Stop||One Start

Stop saying YES to shit you HATE.
re: learn to say no to this junk

A non-exhaustive list:
Flagrant selfishness
Lies
Half-truths
Fear
Guilt
Shame
Being ignored
Toxicity
Self-blame
Self-denial
Self-destruction
Self-sabotage
Self-pity
Self-deception
Feeling small
Feeling unworthy
Accepting less than I deserve
Emotional abuse and manipulation
Narcissistic triangulation
Phoniness
One sided relationships
Giving more than necessary
Attempting to prove my worth to people who do not value me
Psychological projections
Ignoring my own intuition
Second guessing myself
Disrespect
Believing my own bullshit
Bullshit
Trying to fix people who don’t believe they have a problem
Giving away my energy
Energetic vampirism
Drama-especially the drama I create for myself
Desire for validation
Trusting untrustworthy people
Fear of accepting love
Attachment
Fear of saying No

Start saying YES to shit you LOVE
A non-exhaustive list:
Flagrant self care
Loyalty
Full truths
Courage
Forgiveness
Softness
Paying attention
Healthy
Accountability
Self-assertion
Self-love
Self-healing
Self-compassion
Self-realization
Standing tall
Taking up space
Feeling my worth
Accepting everything I deserve
Emotional release
Friendship
Authenticity
Balanced relationship
Giving what I have
Attracting people who value me
Healthy ego
Intuition
Trusting myself
Respect
Believing in miracles
Magic
Asking for help
Protecting my energy
Holding my own power
Peace
Solitude
Trusting
Accepting love
Sharing Love