FUCK YOU: A Letter

I am having a bad day. Repeating emotions coming through to show me something that I hadn’t been able to see yet. Self-blame patterns, shame, guilt, and buried hurts.

 
I googled “why victims protect their abusers” I’ve already read about trauma bonding. I am just trying, desperately, to understand my own patterns so I don’t do this shot to myself again. 
She sent me a message once saying that it hurt that we couldn’t talk. 
You know what else hurts? Realizing that I gave eight years of my life to a relationship that was built entirely on lies and satisfying the needs and wants of one person whose behavior continually proves that they are self-seeking and that it will never change. 

It hurts to hate myself for having a kind heart.

 It hurts to have to remind myself over and over and over again that loving someone who mistreats me does not make me a flawed human, or weak, or bad.

It hurts to come to terms with and accept that no matter what I did or could have done what I truly needed didn’t exist in that space and any time I thought I had it was an illusion, a metaphorical band-aid plastered over my wound to just get me to shut up.

It hurts to realize that the only time my partner really ever gave me affection was around their friends to build some illusion of a loving relationship and that it made me uncomfortable and I didn’t know why.

 It hurts to realize that every time the person I chose to be my partner had an opportunity to actually be a partner they chose to walk away, and abandon me emotionally, but play the victim when I scraped up what was left of my dignity and strength to walk away and try and find clarity. 

It hurts that when I did find clarity, my clarity was undermined and replaced with another lie intended only for that person to numb out their own shame. 

It hurts to have spent so much time questioning my own worth and sanity only to finally realize that there had never been anything wrong with me except my core belief that I didn’t deserve better, and that I could help her. 

It hurts to realize that my idea of love was toxic, and that receiving love is just as important, and that the lack of love I received wasn’t because I was blocked from accepting it, but that my partner was blocked from giving it in a way that I needed. 

It hurts that she admitted that she knew what I needed, but she withheld it to “see what I would do.” 

Shut down, assfuck. That’s what I would do. Find a way to protect my vulnerability from being manipulated against me. 

It hurts to know that the person I chose would have done anything they could to not choose me. 

It hurts to come to terms with the fact that the person I chose to love really only ever wanted me to hate them, and made choices to make that happen, and admitted to it-more than once. 

 And that I blamed myself for it. 

I guess it’s true. The truth hurts. It’s all I ever really wanted. It’s also true that the truth will set you free. That’s what I wanted most. 

I don’t expect her to care. She clearly never really has. I don’t expect that to change now. I just know better than to expect that of her. Not of other people though. Because it isn’t “expecting too much” to expect the people who say “I love you” to actually LOVE YOU. and expectations aren’t wrong, or setting oneself up for failure and disappointment. As long as they’re realistic. 

She expected me to be perfect, self-sufficient and subservient to her every demand. 

I just expected her to actually care about me. And she couldn’t. Because she lacks that capability. That’s sad. 

I feel bad for her. But I don’t feel bad I left. I feel bad I stayed for so long

 
And underneath all that hurt is the truth that I can be happy. Truly happy. And I do deserve love. Real love. Not whatever she fucking had to offer me.

 
I’m praying for her new girlfriend. That she wises up on a timeline more congruent with the last girlfriend than with mine. What I mean is, that she can see through your bullshit quickly.  And not just ask you for another heaping pile of it to pick through, and keep herself occupied for a few months at a time. 

Because she has kids to take care of, and we both already know that you’re just like the asshole that abused me when I was a kid. That you never really thought his behavior was wrong. And you are the asshole that abused me as an adult. And I’m the asshole who thought that was fucking normal. It wasn’t. 
You told me that you learned there were two kinds of people in the world. People like your mom and people like your dad. 

You became him. Abusive and predatory. Self seeking and narcissistic. And I thought if I could get someone like you to love me then I would be worthy of love. 

I handed my power over to you daily. And I didn’t get it. You were right. I was weak. Or, I let you have the power. 

I let you beat me down for years, and play the victim whenever I could finally stand up for myself. 
I still pray for you to get the help you need. Although I’m sure it’s a waste of my time. I still pray for myself. That at some point this will stop hurting. That the memory of you won’t sting so bad. That the eight years I spent with you were actually worth the wisdom I gained. To love myself first. Which is why I won’t grant you any more access into my life. At least I’ve got that down. But it still fucking hurts. 

Poem

I’m losing water

I’m losing heat

Creating steam

Changing states 
The sea dried up

Waves no longer crashing

Below, but shifting 

Up reaching the cosmos
The sea crawled up 

And caught herself steady

Magnamonious

As a mountain stable

And sure 
In the spring there will be 

New life in these branches
Elemental transformation

Liquid, solid

            Aghast. 

No longer daring people into my depths

No more diving into the wreck
This earth supports

Rooted in truth

Saved only for those 

Determined to climb. 

Letting Go is So Hard When You Really Want to Hold on to the Illusion

I’m sharing this text of the last time I tried to break myself free from a very toxic relationship. I am my own most destructive force. I know this. I give my power to her and then blame her when I have given too much. I know this, too. She came in and I did not listen to my inner knowing. My mind always screams “STOP”, and my heart whispers “just one more time” and we hash it out until my ego takes over and says-“you can control this.” 

The cycle has shortened to about two weeks before I can’t resolve the inner conflict and I absolutely have to cut myself out to regain some semblance of my own sanity. 

I’m learning to listen to myself, to articulate clearly, and I am trying like hell to take responsibility for my own stuff and not spread my pain like the disease it has become. There are more than a few entanglements in this relationship. The final one being the woman she always goes back to in between in our “had enough” spaces. They claim friendship. My gut tells me that there is something more deeply twisted about it. I don’t know what. I just know I want out of the entanglement. 

Always, in an effort to save myself I cut her off from me. If we are in contact, I will try to get her to change her behavior to fit my needs. She won’t. This clash between pride and jealousy has eroded both of our sense of self. 
Her: I’m not taking the easy way out. You’re cutting me off again. 

Me: That’s true. We can agree on that. Whether you see it or not…you’re choosing her in a way that I can see is not taking you anywhere good either. I know you the best, remember?
Because you “don’t think” I can’t control that. I can’t help you. You don’t need my help. You definitely don’t want my help. That’s my ego issue. And my desire to say I want better for you. My control issues. My desire to see you say-oh fuck-I want better for me, too! To look at the gross stuff. And to grow. To start to think from one thing to the next. 
But ultimately you end up putting me in a position where I feel forced to remove myself. 
Because when you “don’t think” it hurts me. And you haven’t figured it out yet. Which means….you hurt me. And I haven’t figured out yet that I can’t want “better” for you than you want for yourself. I can’t want you to be different for me. I just have to go find different. 
I wish I didn’t care. I really, really wish that. But I do care. And because I care, and because I care about my own happiness, and that alone is within my realm of control-I have to go away. I HAVE TO CUT YOU OFF. not because you’re a monster. Not because I don’t like {sic}. Not even because I feel like a secret. 
But because I have to learn to choose myself. And every time I choose you, I’m not choosing me. Because you “don’t think” but that’s how relationships actually work-we consider the other people in our lives. And that’s why this one never does. 
You choose me when it’s easiest. And I’m not easy. That’s what I see. You choose me when you miss me, or you’re lonely. Because I’m always there. Because I haven’t learned how to say no to you and protect my energy and my space. And then this happens because I didn’t just say ENOUGH. Because I didn’t just say “no more”. 
Because I’m still in love with you. Because I haven’t let go of the hope that you will grow in my direction. 
You can choose {sic} in this way because the depth isn’t there that we have. I get that. But I can’t continue to exist in this chaos that you create and I perpetuate. 
You always ask-what do you want me to do??? And i always say I want you to do what’s best for you. And you always pick the option that moves you away from me. I get it now. I’m letting you go. You have shown me that I am not your best choice. And I receive that message with gratitude this time. I accept it. But with that acceptance comes a closed door. Because-choices. And this is mine.