A Letter to My Future Partner:

Lover-

I can’t predict the future, but I know you’ll be fit just right. We will stand toe to toe, listen ear to ear and heart to heart. We will grow spirit to spirit and mind to mind.  

I’ve been preparing myself to be the woman that someone like you wants to love. Don’t be confused, this is not about you. I don’t even know exactly who you are; so, I’m pretty damn excited that I’m not trying to shove myself into a box that doesn’t fit my spirit in order to keep you around. No, I am expanding into myself; seeking only the infinite love that someone like you has for someone like me. 

When you grab me gently around my waist and turn me toward you, know that I have been practicing how to face things instead of keeping my back turned and that this action will require very little effort on your part, but effort nonetheless. And that effort will be matched with the glittering gratitude in my eyes to have finally found someone who understands the power of touch. In these moments, I will surrender myself to you. 

We will hold hands in private and in public. It just has to be, because when the lines on your palm and my palm come together we have destiny, love, life, and heart unified. We will kiss whenever we feel like it-in the rain, the snow, the sunshine, behind trees, under the stars, hello and goodbye, foreheads and eyelids-our lips will be our tour guides. 

There will be days I am dark and stormy. You’ll know, but you won’t be afraid of my storm. You’ll make me tea, or pour me a good beer, and sometimes we will have to pour one out to get the one I really wanted. But you won’t be upset that your guess was wrong. You’ll hold my hand and wait to see if it will bring a smile or an onslaught of tears. You will never know for sure. You’ll do it anyway, knowing that either option is just another flowing expression of my love. And your love will keep me safe in place. 

We will challenge each other. We will push each other through the fear, because we know that in the other side of that is something we really, truly want. We will celebrate every tiny victory, and every failure. Let there always be ice cream for this. 

You will have bad days, and good days. I will ask you questions on all of them. Sometimes you’ll be annoyed, but you’ll never ever tell me I talk too much. You already know that the best way to shut me up is to kiss my lips and give them something else to explicate. Even a shhhh can be a movement toward love. I promise to always meet you there. 

We will say “I love you,” in so many ways. The words themselves will build their strength through holding space and gratitude. We will use its silent power to always bridge the gaps that inevitably form between two people just trying to make it through this thing we call life. 

You will drift away from yourself. I will drift away from myself. We will put each other back on track. We will know when we need space it does not mean moving away from each other, but a deeper need to connect to our Self so that we can connect more deeply with each other. We will know when it is time to find an adventure together. We will be all in, even if that means stepping aside for just a little bit. 

You will know my history, and I will know yours. We will use all the heartache to open to each other as we learn the true power of vulnerability, and that when we are with the right person there is no more need to build walls. Emotions will run hot and cold, but we will always push toward that perfect balance of warmth between us. It may not happen quickly. There may be days or weeks that we just cannot seem to get the temperature right. Adjustments we will make.  

We will make it a point to hug each other every day. Even if our schedules get so hectic we don’t see each other during the waking hours. Because you and I have both learned that distance can only be bridged when we take the action to make contact. NOBODY cares if I’m sleeping-hug me so that you never forget how much you like to. And even if I’m afraid to hug you after a long stressful day, I will because I came to this life to give and receive love and hugs are the simplest expression. 

We will make love. Often. And sometimes not often enough, but we will never allow that to disrupt our passion for each other. We know that life gets in the way sometimes, but we will talk about the sex we aren’t having until we can bring it back in. You won’t be afraid to wake up a little extra early or go to sleep a little later. There is no right or wrong time to have sex, there is only creating the space for it to exist. You will know this, and we will always create space for loving each other wholly. 

We will cook together or not cook together. Sometimes we will eat together and other times there will be a prepared plate waiting for our later than usual arrival. Meals will be important and will not be consumed in front of the television. If the only time we get to spend together is for dinner-we will make sure that it counts as contact. This is a relationship built on quality. 

We will have a garden. One for flowers and one for fruits and vegetables. We will struggle with this, but we will be determined to help it grow. We will pour our overflowing love into it. We will not be afraid to get our hands dirty. 

We will always make an excuse to get outside. We will sleep in tents until our bodies can’t handle it anymore. Then we will buy a camper.  We will look at the stars and not need to talk about them. Maybe we will talk about them. It doesn’t matter. We will gaze up taking in the natural phenomena, and you won’t bring up the word “phenomena” because you’re tired of hearing about phenomenology. Instead-you’ll shift your wonder into sounds of “ooohh” and “ahhhh,” and I’ll give you a phenomenological lecture anyway. 

When you take my picture to post or not to post, but to put me into a framing mechanism so that you can go back and access that moment whenever you would like; I will thank you. I might even laugh at your attempt to contain me, but you’ll already understand the value of a moment, and the relationship between space and time. I will meet you with the words that shape my world and my soul to show you that we are all art, we are all expressivists, and we all deserve to create and keep precious memories. 

Our home will be filled with books, plants,  and photographs. We will know the value of adventures: intellectual, physical, and spiritual. Some we will share, others we will have on our own. Some over the course of weeks and others in the course of an hour. We will never settle our growth, but we will create a place of peace and serenity to always return to. This is what we will call our home. 

There will be one, maybe two children. We will laugh and cry together as we realize that parenting is like super fucking hard. But we will look back on all the stuff we have been through, and know that this is just another challenge worth taking on. Because we know now that the most important lesson this life has given us is to know and believe in the power of creativity. 

We will be madness and we will be chaos. All of this will be apparent by the smiles we wear plastered on our faces almost all the time. We will be fueled by laughter and we will honor our fear. I will meet you, and you will meet me. Together we will grow, always. Together, we will build an adventure and call it our life. 

Until we return to the stars. 

Whoever you are, I hope you come in soon. I’m waiting for someone like you. 

-Love

My atrophied heart 
still whispers in the dark

Love me 

Love me

Love me 

Hold me close
Put your hand over my mouth 
Tell me all your secrets
I’ll lock them deep inside

The closet of my mind
The skeletons have turned to dust
Settling around our bed
A boneyard of grief

Exploded under the pressure
I swear it looks like glitter
Glass blown to smithereens
Stomped to a fine powder

A party for one

Unspoken Apologies, or Things She Won’t Say

I’m sorry for thinking you would always be around

Taking for granted the sound of your heartbeat

And how it always calmed me down
I’m sorry for not listening to your needs

You were loud and clear 

and I couldn’t see

How easy it was to love you 
I’m sorry for tripping over my feelings every time you went away

Carving a path of destruction 

with every new name
I’m sorry I couldn’t see how much I deserved

Or that you were willing to place it gently 

In my hands, my heart, or at my feet. 

All I had to do was accept it. 

Instead, I simply took it. 

Like it had been mine all along. 

You didn’t deserve the wreckage I caused. 

I’m sorry. 

Blank Space

The space between

Where she was 

And you will be
This is the space where I am

In all my glorified

Discovery of that

Which makes me 

The me I’m meant to be
The one among the many

Not looking anywhere without

Only exploring within
In the walls of my heart

Not hers

The covers of my books

Not sheets

The crumbling of the illusion of both

Not either/ or
Where puppy kisses and cuddles

Are all the love and affection I need

Where meals are prepared 

And enjoyed

With bountiful gratitude and love

Not obligation or duty 

Until I’m ready to allow

Space and time to stretch

Into your heart

Through my hand

My body

My lips

My soul 

This is the Single space 

Of reckoning

What used to be

And what could be

In order to appreciate

Fully what already is. 

Two Magics

Warm intention

Turns to cold

Abandon she

Couldn’t hold 

My magic right
I loved her 

Fierce and steady

Through all her

Not yet ready
Collecting lucky pennies

To throw in her wishing

Well turning around well

Wishes forever missing
Time knows nothing

Of two broken heartbeats

Held tight together by 

Voiceless retreats
I am looking for more

Space to run free

Screaming truth 

My happy knows more

Than she ever cared to
I want to be held

Like a crystal ball

A soft gentle knowing

That this is where two

Magics become one

Marbles

Rolling here

And there i’ve been

Watching
Collecting marbles like 

Second hand lovers

That can’t fill the gaps
I’ve lost my marbles

You say, and you ask me if I have them

But I don’t because I gave them back
The only night you ever hurt me

And I said I couldn’t live in your

I world of gumdrops and lollipops
You ask me if I have seen them

And all I can say is that I gave them back
I wish I hadn’t. 

But I know I still have them. 
Holding on for dear life.