FUCK YOU: A Letter

I am having a bad day. Repeating emotions coming through to show me something that I hadn’t been able to see yet. Self-blame patterns, shame, guilt, and buried hurts.

I googled “why victims protect their abusers” I’ve already read about trauma bonding. I am just trying, desperately, to understand my own patterns so I don’t do this shot to myself again. 
She sent me a message once saying that it hurt that we couldn’t talk. 
You know what else hurts? Realizing that I gave eight years of my life to a relationship that was built entirely on lies and satisfying the needs and wants of one person whose behavior continually proves that they are self-seeking and that it will never change. 

It hurts to hate myself for having a kind heart.

 It hurts to have to remind myself over and over and over again that loving someone who mistreats me does not make me a flawed human, or weak, or bad.

It hurts to come to terms with and accept that no matter what I did or could have done what I truly needed didn’t exist in that space and any time I thought I had it was an illusion, a metaphorical band-aid plastered over my wound to just get me to shut up.

It hurts to realize that the only time my partner really ever gave me affection was around their friends to build some illusion of a loving relationship and that it made me uncomfortable and I didn’t know why.

 It hurts to realize that every time the person I chose to be my partner had an opportunity to actually be a partner they chose to walk away, and abandon me emotionally, but play the victim when I scraped up what was left of my dignity and strength to walk away and try and find clarity. 

It hurts that when I did find clarity, my clarity was undermined and replaced with another lie intended only for that person to numb out their own shame. 

It hurts to have spent so much time questioning my own worth and sanity only to finally realize that there had never been anything wrong with me except my core belief that I didn’t deserve better, and that I could help her. 

It hurts to realize that my idea of love was toxic, and that receiving love is just as important, and that the lack of love I received wasn’t because I was blocked from accepting it, but that my partner was blocked from giving it in a way that I needed. 

It hurts that she admitted that she knew what I needed, but she withheld it to “see what I would do.” 

Shut down, assfuck. That’s what I would do. Find a way to protect my vulnerability from being manipulated against me. 

It hurts to know that the person I chose would have done anything they could to not choose me. 

It hurts to come to terms with the fact that the person I chose to love really only ever wanted me to hate them, and made choices to make that happen, and admitted to it-more than once. 

 And that I blamed myself for it. 

I guess it’s true. The truth hurts. It’s all I ever really wanted. It’s also true that the truth will set you free. That’s what I wanted most. 

I don’t expect her to care. She clearly never really has. I don’t expect that to change now. I just know better than to expect that of her. Not of other people though. Because it isn’t “expecting too much” to expect the people who say “I love you” to actually LOVE YOU. and expectations aren’t wrong, or setting oneself up for failure and disappointment. As long as they’re realistic. 

She expected me to be perfect, self-sufficient and subservient to her every demand. 

I just expected her to actually care about me. And she couldn’t. Because she lacks that capability. That’s sad. 

I feel bad for her. But I don’t feel bad I left. I feel bad I stayed for so long

And underneath all that hurt is the truth that I can be happy. Truly happy. And I do deserve love. Real love. Not whatever she fucking had to offer me.

I’m praying for her new girlfriend. That she wises up on a timeline more congruent with the last girlfriend than with mine. What I mean is, that she can see through your bullshit quickly.  And not just ask you for another heaping pile of it to pick through, and keep herself occupied for a few months at a time. 

Because she has kids to take care of, and we both already know that you’re just like the asshole that abused me when I was a kid. That you never really thought his behavior was wrong. And you are the asshole that abused me as an adult. And I’m the asshole who thought that was fucking normal. It wasn’t. 
You told me that you learned there were two kinds of people in the world. People like your mom and people like your dad. 

You became him. Abusive and predatory. Self seeking and narcissistic. And I thought if I could get someone like you to love me then I would be worthy of love. 

I handed my power over to you daily. And I didn’t get it. You were right. I was weak. Or, I let you have the power. 

I let you beat me down for years, and play the victim whenever I could finally stand up for myself. 
I still pray for you to get the help you need. Although I’m sure it’s a waste of my time. I still pray for myself. That at some point this will stop hurting. That the memory of you won’t sting so bad. That the eight years I spent with you were actually worth the wisdom I gained. To love myself first. Which is why I won’t grant you any more access into my life. At least I’ve got that down. But it still fucking hurts. 

Healing a Hearbreak

Let yourself be angry. 

Smash something. 

Yell at the moon. 

Yell into your pillow. 

Express this anger. 

You have the right to be angry. 
Admit where you were wrong. 

Promise yourself not to make those same mistakes in the future. 
Allow yourself to hurt. 

This is not easy. 

Feel this. 

Move in and out of the sadness

Do not let the darkness consume you. 

If it does, thank it for holding you. 
Acknowledge where you were right

Promise yourself to do those same

Things in the future. 
Be a little lost. 

Make new mistakes. 

Learn something. 

Keep growing. 
Find your loneliness. 

Ask it what it wants from you. 

Learn what it means. 

Transform it into loveliness. 
Allow yourself time. 

This is not linear. 

There is no beginning or ending. 

This is about distance. 
Ask for help. 

Allow people to help you. 

Do not betray your own needs. 

Figure out what you need. 
Allow yourself to feel joy. 

Remember that it still exists. 

Laugh at the little things

Let them push you forward. 
Create something new. 

Rearrange your furniture

Rearrange your memories

Make small changes. 
Love your anger. 

Love your sadness. 

Love your lonely. 

Love your joy. 

These are messengers. 

Listen to them. 

But be careful not to believe

Everything they say. 
Learn to 

Love yourself

Whole again. 


{An actual text message sent June 4, 2016}

I want to exist 

in a space I know my heart is safe. 

I want to go

somewhere I never have to question myself or my lover.

 I want to go 

somewhere I never have to wonder who the next person is going to be that my partner is lusting over while I lay empty in the bed next to her. 

I want to go 

to a space where nobody has ever said, “I wish I would have fucked her while she was in town” or “I’ll probably just think of her when I fuck you” or “you were a challenge, I guess I lost this round. On to the next one.” Just to be questioned and blamed when I feel insecure. 

I want to exist 

in a place where I never have to think about and pray for the strength to say tough things like this because the situation will never even exist. 

I want to go 

to a place where all the names of your other lovers don’t sting just as much as “you weren’t good enough” because I will know I’m plenty good enough. 

I want to exist 

in a place where nobody has ever argued with me over what I already know. Or told me that I was wrong or crazy, just to tell me later that I wasn’t either of those things. 

I want to go 

to a place where I know I won’t be lied to. And in that place I will remind myself every day how much I deserve because I will have it. I won’t ever have to ask for its specifics, and then wonder if my partner is just following instructions or following their heart. 

I want to exist 

in a space that is not free from mistakes, but apologies are sincere, and never forced or questioned. 

I want to exist 

in a world where there is no “you can have this if you behave like that,” and love is given freely, and fear is only a part of the whole. 

I want to go 

where I can say I’m hurting, and my partner cares more about my pain than their ego. 

I want to go 

far away from the poison you’ve fed me that you called love. 

I did go. I exist here.