Untitled

She put the house up
For sale

I saw my past life
Flashing before my eyes

The kitchen
Where I made dinner
And that day I made more naan
Than we could eat, but I did it
Without my shirt on

The kitchen
Where she left me notes by the coffee pot
The coffee pot that kept me going on the hardest days

The kitchen
Where I hung that ee cummings poem somewhere I have never travelled gladly beyond

But she replaced it

Twice

The kitchen
Where she screamed at me
That time I had an accident
And melted

The kitchen
where I finally yelled
“I deserve to be with someone who wants to support me emotionally”

The living room
Where she threw that candle at me
And broke my foot

The living room
Where the television
Still holds my face print from when we hung it, and I almost dropped it

The living room
Where I spent days painting
But on the last day made her help
And I didn’t wear any pants

The living room
Where the couch we bought is 
falling apart from the time she fucked that other girl there and the lotion
The lotion ate away the faux leather

The dining room
With the chairs I hand sanded and painted
It took me a week
And cost me a pair of shoes

The dining room
Where I painted the built in cabinets with the wrong color because she didn’t help me that time

The dining room
Where we hardly ever ate

The spare bedroom
She told her parents was my room

And when I made it my office
She complained at the mess I work through

The spare bedroom
Where I painted alone
Again because she refused to help

The spare bedroom

The spare bedroom

And her bedroom
She painted again
The second time I left

She painted again on the day she demanded I come get my stuff

And her bedroom
Where she called the other side of the bed the pssenger side

And her bedroom
That she shared with me
And her and her and her and her

And her bedroom
Where she choked me in the closet

And her bedroom

And the front porch
Where I watched the rain
And read my books

The front porch
Smoking cigarettes

The back yard
Where I read books to her

The back yard
That she refused to fence in

The back yard

That caved in

The back yard
And the driveway
We resealed together
Pulling weeds and filling cracks

She put the house up
For sale
I walked through it one more time

And cried

And closed the door

Without slamming it

Without leaving a key
this time

I guess it’s haunted

I guess it’s time

Hurt People Hurt People

Form the words 
First in your mind

Bring them forward

And say it. 

Stop victimizing yourself 

Take your power back

Stand up for yourself
I need you to say it

I need you to pull the I from 

under the guilt. 

Take the Am from
all the calamity
That has taken over your life. 

Remove the A from the shame

That you have perpetuated. 

take the Victim back from all those who were left 
in your wake. 

Transform that into survivor. 

You deserve to heal. 
We all deserve peace

Moving On

I’m not in love with her anymore. 

I write it
to make it more real. 
To come to terms with
its resonances and reverberations. 

I’m not in love with her anymore

And sometimes I don’t know
where that actually leaves me. 

Standing still at the top of the mountain ready to finally walk down the other side. 

Paralyzed by the not knowing
what lies beyond this
beautiful sunset. 

I’m not in love with her anymore. 

All the space she still takes in my heart are just cracks marking the places where I once held her, but couldn’t keep her. 

I’m not in love with her anymore. 

That same phrase over and over again. I say it so I can believe it. 

I’m not in love with her anymore. 

Not an Isolated Incident

The tensions were high. The tensions were often high. I worked 60 hours a week, and so did she. Juggling graduate school, teaching, and working kept me stretched to my limits. Stress ruled our lives. I always did my best, and I guess she probably thinks she did, too. I still tried to maintain the home and play housewife. Home cooked meals, and cuddles in the couch. Gentle touch, and a warm embrace was all I really needed. I still loved her. I wanted to make space for her. I still held on to the Us I wanted us to be. 
I was home for an evening. No class, no work, and when she returned from work-I was happy for her arrival. In those moments, she was my life. 
I heard the door open and close. She came in and greeted the dog, and I waited. I waited. I waited. I know she saw my car in the driveway. I can’t wrap my mind around why her excitement to see ME did not match my excitement to see HER. I waited. Finally, I went to the kitchen. Sadness triggered, defenses engaged. 
“How come when you come home, you greet the dog, but not me?”
“Are you seriously jealous of the dog? It’s just what we do. You’re never here when I get home. I didn’t really think about it.”
“I’m not jealous of the dog. That’s not the point. I know I’m not here a lot, but I am today. One would think that would make it even more important to, I don’t know, say hello.”
“Hello.” Her cold tone matched her cold eyes. 
This was not an isolated incident. So, when I thought that I could somehow be better-that had become my mental refrain. “I’m a bad girlfriend. I don’t give her enough attention. She’s so used to coming home without me here, it’s like I’m not here at all. How could I do that to her?”
I don’t know how it happened. How my thinking got so warped, and how it could get so twisted so quickly. I have no idea how my hurt feelings could so quickly get turned into sympathy for her. I have no idea how I so quickly internalized her shame. But it happened all the time. 

Healing a Hearbreak

Let yourself be angry. 

Smash something. 

Yell at the moon. 

Yell into your pillow. 

Express this anger. 

You have the right to be angry. 
Admit where you were wrong. 

Promise yourself not to make those same mistakes in the future. 
Allow yourself to hurt. 

This is not easy. 

Feel this. 

Move in and out of the sadness

Do not let the darkness consume you. 

If it does, thank it for holding you. 
Acknowledge where you were right

Promise yourself to do those same

Things in the future. 
Be a little lost. 

Make new mistakes. 

Learn something. 

Keep growing. 
Find your loneliness. 

Ask it what it wants from you. 

Learn what it means. 

Transform it into loveliness. 
Allow yourself time. 

This is not linear. 

There is no beginning or ending. 

This is about distance. 
Ask for help. 

Allow people to help you. 

Do not betray your own needs. 

Figure out what you need. 
Allow yourself to feel joy. 

Remember that it still exists. 

Laugh at the little things

Let them push you forward. 
Create something new. 

Rearrange your furniture

Rearrange your memories

Make small changes. 
Love your anger. 

Love your sadness. 

Love your lonely. 

Love your joy. 

These are messengers. 

Listen to them. 

But be careful not to believe

Everything they say. 
Learn to 

Love yourself

Whole again. 

Two Magics

Warm intention

Turns to cold

Abandon she

Couldn’t hold 

My magic right
I loved her 

Fierce and steady

Through all her

Not yet ready
Collecting lucky pennies

To throw in her wishing

Well turning around well

Wishes forever missing
Time knows nothing

Of two broken heartbeats

Held tight together by 

Voiceless retreats
I am looking for more

Space to run free

Screaming truth 

My happy knows more

Than she ever cared to
I want to be held

Like a crystal ball

A soft gentle knowing

That this is where two

Magics become one