A Manifesto

I am me.
My authenticity is raw intensity. 
I am magic. Powerful. 

A force to be reckoned with. 

I am love and light. 

I run with wolves and dance with the moon. 

I chase butterflies and open my heart to change. 
I am wildly loyal
and love with my raven heart.
I am opening
to the universal order and trusting my self. 
I am a writer.
My witch and my craft are not mutually exclusive. The pen is my wand. My words will heal. Alchemy is real. 

The map of my hand fills my life line with poetry. My heart line is no longer beating itself up-my fists have come unclenched from the things that are no longer meant for me.  

I am work and working
Process and progress. 

I am learning. 
Not all things require my energy. 

Not all people think the way I do, and this is a blessing. 

No is a complete sentence.
I am learning
To be gentle with my confusion. 
My feelings guide me, but do not rule me.
Asking for help does not make me weak. 

My shadow does not scare me. 

I feel fear, but I am not afraid. 

I feel angry and hurt. 

I am allowed. 

I am joy and pleasure. 
I am unlearning and
I am healing. 
          I dream

                      And

                             believe

In magic and music and the power of tiny puppies. 

I am yoga. 
Strong and bendy.
Slow and balanced. 

I am embodied. 
I am on purpose. 

Feb 20, 2016

You would think that. That you love me and you hate me. And when you tell me you want me to hate you-I won’t. I gave enough energy over the last seven years trying to love you and get you to love me I don’t have any energy left with which to hate you. I’m looking for that space where I can tuck you into my heart. I’m using the memory of you and us to fill that crack, and I’m cementing with my own power to rise from the ashes that persist from the final last time I tried to enter the fire you fucking set. Don’t be confused. It was not a heat of passion, but a conflagration of selfish conquest. A consecration of all things unholy. It wasn’t beautiful. It was a fucked up pattern of hurt and unavailability. 
 I’m not a prize to be won. I’m not a challenge to have conquered. I am the power you sought, but could not gain. I even tried to hand it over to you. I tried to teach you. I tried to show you how to melt. But the only rocks that ever melted are the ones that went the deepest into the core of their own earth. 

Andrea Gibson wrote, “love. It isn’t always magic. Sometimes it’s melting where it’s black and black blue. Where it hurts the most.” But there was no melting. Just stone throwing. I’m just black and blue. I don’t love you. I don’t hate you. I’m just healing. 

Cycles of Abuse

The day I told her she was just like my abuser I thought she was going to rage on me. I prepared for the worst. I couldn’t get my words together. I crouched down because I wasn’t sure if my legs could withstand the weight of my words. I anticipated the bullets of “fuck you,” and “how dare you?” 

She knew how much I hated him. How much resentment I had, and had been working through to be okay with him. She never outwardly defended him, but she knew it was important that I make my peace with him. In those moments, she was supportive. 

I stumbled over my words for a few minutes. I tried to remember to breathe. Finally, I just ripped off the bandaid. 

“Oh. I’ve known that for years. I could never understand why you wanted to be with me when you hated him so much.”
My mouth dropped. That was not the disaster I was prepared to face. How did she know, and I didn’t? How did she KNOW and not leave or desire to change in any sort of way? How did I let this happen?

Well, I didn’t let this happen. I simply couldn’t see it. It’s one of those wild psychological phenomena. I never thought I would do it to myself. I thought I was SMARTER than that. The subconscious knows nothing of intellect. Our old karmic wounds do not know until they come to light. 

When she said, “I know that you were a kid, and everything and no kid deserves to be treated like that, but everything you’ve ever told me about him-I agreed with him.”

My head was spinning. Did she even listen to any of what I went through? Does she REALLY think it’s okay to say and do those kinds of things to another human being? 

Actually, yes. She must. She’s the same. 

Although it took a huge amount of courage and strength for me to face this truth with her-that was not the final end to our saga. One might think that would be enough. But there was still something in me that thought if SHE could love me the way I needed to be loved, then everything would be magically transformed. 

No. 

That is not how that works. 

Sometimes, I’m repulsed by the fact that I was with her for 8 years. Apparently seeking the approval of the one person I had tried to escape for the larger portion of my whole life. But this is how trauma works. When I think about this one moment I still ache in all my sore spots. 

If I would have known better, I would have done better. 

I finally do. 

Shame

My shame says

You deserve every bad thing that has ever happened

Anything good is a fluke 
My shame says 

You are no good

Keep pushing for perfect
My shame says 

Play small

It’s the only way you’ll ever make it
My shame says

It’s all your fault

You should have behaved better
My shame says

You don’t deserve love

What they have is enough
My shame says

If you can get them to behave better

You will be better, too
My shame is a liar. 
My narcissism is prettier than you. 

Blank Space

The space between

Where she was 

And you will be
This is the space where I am

In all my glorified

Discovery of that

Which makes me 

The me I’m meant to be
The one among the many

Not looking anywhere without

Only exploring within
In the walls of my heart

Not hers

The covers of my books

Not sheets

The crumbling of the illusion of both

Not either/ or
Where puppy kisses and cuddles

Are all the love and affection I need

Where meals are prepared 

And enjoyed

With bountiful gratitude and love

Not obligation or duty 

Until I’m ready to allow

Space and time to stretch

Into your heart

Through my hand

My body

My lips

My soul 

This is the Single space 

Of reckoning

What used to be

And what could be

In order to appreciate

Fully what already is. 

Warning

Do not fall
In love with me
You do not know
Where these alleys lead
You can read my words, 
You may think
You know something
You cannot fall in love with me. 
My heart is freedom reigned
My life is liberation
My soul flies freely
My mind is my safest place
Do not fall
In love with me
You do not know
Who I can be. 
I am all things
Beautiful 
Paper makes me real
But the truth
Is something to
Be revealed. 
Do not fall in love with me
You are wasting your time
My heart is unavailable
You saw the no vacancy sign
There is no waiting list
No reservations required
Simply this, my heart,
It belongs here, and not there. 
Love is irrational
At times it beats us
To our own punch
But my love has been
Punched enough
Do not fall in love with me
Because I cannot
Return your favors
You cannot fall in love with me
Because you do not know
What love really does.