Feb 20, 2016

You would think that. That you love me and you hate me. And when you tell me you want me to hate you-I won’t. I gave enough energy over the last seven years trying to love you and get you to love me I don’t have any energy left with which to hate you. I’m looking for that space where I can tuck you into my heart. I’m using the memory of you and us to fill that crack, and I’m cementing with my own power to rise from the ashes that persist from the final last time I tried to enter the fire you fucking set. Don’t be confused. It was not a heat of passion, but a conflagration of selfish conquest. A consecration of all things unholy. It wasn’t beautiful. It was a fucked up pattern of hurt and unavailability. 
 I’m not a prize to be won. I’m not a challenge to have conquered. I am the power you sought, but could not gain. I even tried to hand it over to you. I tried to teach you. I tried to show you how to melt. But the only rocks that ever melted are the ones that went the deepest into the core of their own earth. 

Andrea Gibson wrote, “love. It isn’t always magic. Sometimes it’s melting where it’s black and black blue. Where it hurts the most.” But there was no melting. Just stone throwing. I’m just black and blue. I don’t love you. I don’t hate you. I’m just healing. 

Some Kind of Way

I want to know you. 

I want to know 
what it feels like 
to be so close, 
I can feel you fill up. 
Inside. 
With your breath 
soft and wet 
on my neck as I 
push further into 
knowing you. 
I want to open 
all the flood gates 
and look into the 
green in your eyes. 
I want set the 
forest on fire. 

I want to hold you. 
Close. 
As my lips open 
and close around 
your whispering 
all the answers you have 
ever needed to know. 
I want to scratch the weight 
off your back bone
And trail my fingers over
The ribbed cage of
Your heart.  
Bite the remorse 
from your thighs. 
I want my fingers laced 
in your hair as your head 
falls back and you scream 
the sheets off. 
I want to open 
all your closed off spaces 
as my tongue traces 
your collar bone and 
my words finally find 
their way home.
I want the small 
nudged 
in my elbow crease 
cradling the space 
between us. 
I want slow and hard 
melodies coming together. 
Sweat. Screams. Tears. 
And dust settling like glitter. At the base of my neck. When you explode, and find your way home. 
I want to speak
Your name with
Slow intention
As it moves from
Front to back
And forward 
Again. Three
Syllables warm 
On my lips and
Sweet on my tongue
As I catch my name
At the tip of yours. 
Melting. Slowly. 
Intentionally
Like candle wax
Pooling under a flame
That’s been burning for 
Too long 
Unattended. 
Dangerous
Because it’s heat
Cracks glass
And burns through homes
I want to know you. 

Sad Truth

My heart belongs
To you. No matter
How much I try
To keep it to myself
Or give it to another
It won’t budge.
 
It beats under yours
And pumps only through you
 
I wish I could get it back
 
And then I wonder what
You would do
 
That’s why I’m so cold all the time
 
You already ripped my heart
From your chest.
You laid it down.
It can’t find its way back.
I haven’t been looking