Untitled

She put the house up
For sale

I saw my past life
Flashing before my eyes

The kitchen
Where I made dinner
And that day I made more naan
Than we could eat, but I did it
Without my shirt on

The kitchen
Where she left me notes by the coffee pot
The coffee pot that kept me going on the hardest days

The kitchen
Where I hung that ee cummings poem somewhere I have never travelled gladly beyond

But she replaced it

Twice

The kitchen
Where she screamed at me
That time I had an accident
And melted

The kitchen
where I finally yelled
“I deserve to be with someone who wants to support me emotionally”

The living room
Where she threw that candle at me
And broke my foot

The living room
Where the television
Still holds my face print from when we hung it, and I almost dropped it

The living room
Where I spent days painting
But on the last day made her help
And I didn’t wear any pants

The living room
Where the couch we bought is 
falling apart from the time she fucked that other girl there and the lotion
The lotion ate away the faux leather

The dining room
With the chairs I hand sanded and painted
It took me a week
And cost me a pair of shoes

The dining room
Where I painted the built in cabinets with the wrong color because she didn’t help me that time

The dining room
Where we hardly ever ate

The spare bedroom
She told her parents was my room

And when I made it my office
She complained at the mess I work through

The spare bedroom
Where I painted alone
Again because she refused to help

The spare bedroom

The spare bedroom

And her bedroom
She painted again
The second time I left

She painted again on the day she demanded I come get my stuff

And her bedroom
Where she called the other side of the bed the pssenger side

And her bedroom
That she shared with me
And her and her and her and her

And her bedroom
Where she choked me in the closet

And her bedroom

And the front porch
Where I watched the rain
And read my books

The front porch
Smoking cigarettes

The back yard
Where I read books to her

The back yard
That she refused to fence in

The back yard

That caved in

The back yard
And the driveway
We resealed together
Pulling weeds and filling cracks

She put the house up
For sale
I walked through it one more time

And cried

And closed the door

Without slamming it

Without leaving a key
this time

I guess it’s haunted

I guess it’s time

Lost and Found

The pit catches
Your heart when it falls
To your stomach
Despair

Desperation
I can feel her
Looking at me
Discomfort

I look back
What else am I supposed to do?

I wish I could write about anything else
I wish the hook would come loose
I wish I could see the perfect life we live

When she tried to catch me
She only saw half of who I am. 

The scales of my lower half
Only for refracting light
Holding in my shiny. 

I glide through the water
Not swimming, rather
Being In between
here and there
Then and now
Her and I

Stopped

Azure. 

I wonder sometimes if it was her fault 

I know how much she hated children
I wish I could have known how

It would all work out
I don’t know 

Why we had to go
There just wasn’t enough space
In her house
Or heart for you
Or my love

Azure. 
Eyes telling stories 
Of time before we knew it

Love Poem •may 2014•

I always knew. You knew. 

A thousand thank 

yous drowned

in my thoughts. Shoved under

 my pillow 

many sleepless nights. 

I have held fuck yous tight 

between my teeth. Fearing 

always of saying too much 

too soon. 
I have never been one 

to hold in my words, and lately 

I’ve been having trouble 

getting them out. 
I am Finding them, hidden 

beneath two years of guilt and confusion. 
you were the one 

who knew the whole time. 
My pieces were scattered. 

In every palm I traced. 

I collected pieces of you left behind. Wondering always if you held 

the secret that I 

couldn’t grasp. 
Two years and I 

understand. It was never a secret. 

We wear our traumas 

like victories. 
Behind each set

 of eyes we can find 

something new 

about ourselves.

 
You were the bent corner in a book I have been writing. Holding my place. So that I could return to this story, somewhere near the middle and remember how it ends. 

I’m thinking of the line from “Big Fish” when he says, “this isn’t how I go.” 

I’m thinking of the cliché, ” if it’s not okay in the end, then it’s not the end.”

 I have sat wedged in between those two sentiments for over two years. 

The anniversary of 

our breakup is this Sunday. 
I hadn’t thought about that until just now. It doesn’t hurt like it used to. Nothing hurts like it used to. 
I used to stare at her and agony would fill my empty spaces. I lost her long before I left her. That is why I had to go. Does any one understand what it feels like to love someone so deeply, but they are so far from themselves it has become increasingly difficult to even recognize them? That is heart break.

 
Today, I look into her big green eyes with a new lens. It reflects the light through both her and I. That is why we keep our curtains drawn.
I’m sorry you knew before I did. But I am glad, too. Because without your knowing, I most certainly would have never learned.
  So, thank you. For keeping her safe. For letting her grow. For changing our lives for the better. 
Go back. 

go back to December2012, in the garage. After that bottle of Jameson hit her demons. 

Rewind to October 2012. When you were discarded. September 2012, when you Thought she was someone special for you. 

Keep going back. 

August 2012, when she met you. 

July 2012, when we cried together on the couch as I left my key on the coffee table. 

June 2012, when I stayed in our house and she left for a while. That’s how I know what empty means. 

May 2012, when enough had been enough but it still wasn’t enough. 
Go back to December 2013 when fate finally caught up. November 2013, when you thought you might actually have her. October 2013 when being the friend wasn’t as easy as you were trying to make it seem. September 2013, when she finally stood up to me. August 2013 when your broken heart got lost in hers. 

July 2013 when my heart turned to dust and it settled under the love seat where I plead, on my knees, for her to just let me stay. 

 Come here, May 2014. Where all those dust particles have come back together into a cohesive whole.

In japan, they mend broken things with melted gold. 
For the past two years we have been making Japanese art of our hearts. In the last five months we have really figured out the trade. And today, we have mastered the peace. And that is love. 

The End

Forgiveness

When she called
I started looking 
for more chances

I knew I had 
One more,

                At least hidden

                               Somewhere

 Behind my shame

          Under my hurts. 

Like a24 hour token 

Almost

Always

never heavy as we expected. 

This gold plated reunion. 
I dusted off the guilt and waited, but she never asked for it. 
I tucked it in my back pocket

One last chance-

2.03.17

A Letter to My Future Partner:

Lover-

I can’t predict the future, but I know you’ll be fit just right. We will stand toe to toe, listen ear to ear and heart to heart. We will grow spirit to spirit and mind to mind.  

I’ve been preparing myself to be the woman that someone like you wants to love. Don’t be confused, this is not about you. I don’t even know exactly who you are; so, I’m pretty damn excited that I’m not trying to shove myself into a box that doesn’t fit my spirit in order to keep you around. No, I am expanding into myself; seeking only the infinite love that someone like you has for someone like me. 

When you grab me gently around my waist and turn me toward you, know that I have been practicing how to face things instead of keeping my back turned and that this action will require very little effort on your part, but effort nonetheless. And that effort will be matched with the glittering gratitude in my eyes to have finally found someone who understands the power of touch. In these moments, I will surrender myself to you. 

We will hold hands in private and in public. It just has to be, because when the lines on your palm and my palm come together we have destiny, love, life, and heart unified. We will kiss whenever we feel like it-in the rain, the snow, the sunshine, behind trees, under the stars, hello and goodbye, foreheads and eyelids-our lips will be our tour guides. 

There will be days I am dark and stormy. You’ll know, but you won’t be afraid of my storm. You’ll make me tea, or pour me a good beer, and sometimes we will have to pour one out to get the one I really wanted. But you won’t be upset that your guess was wrong. You’ll hold my hand and wait to see if it will bring a smile or an onslaught of tears. You will never know for sure. You’ll do it anyway, knowing that either option is just another flowing expression of my love. And your love will keep me safe in place. 

We will challenge each other. We will push each other through the fear, because we know that in the other side of that is something we really, truly want. We will celebrate every tiny victory, and every failure. Let there always be ice cream for this. 

You will have bad days, and good days. I will ask you questions on all of them. Sometimes you’ll be annoyed, but you’ll never ever tell me I talk too much. You already know that the best way to shut me up is to kiss my lips and give them something else to explicate. Even a shhhh can be a movement toward love. I promise to always meet you there. 

We will say “I love you,” in so many ways. The words themselves will build their strength through holding space and gratitude. We will use its silent power to always bridge the gaps that inevitably form between two people just trying to make it through this thing we call life. 

You will drift away from yourself. I will drift away from myself. We will put each other back on track. We will know when we need space it does not mean moving away from each other, but a deeper need to connect to our Self so that we can connect more deeply with each other. We will know when it is time to find an adventure together. We will be all in, even if that means stepping aside for just a little bit. 

You will know my history, and I will know yours. We will use all the heartache to open to each other as we learn the true power of vulnerability, and that when we are with the right person there is no more need to build walls. Emotions will run hot and cold, but we will always push toward that perfect balance of warmth between us. It may not happen quickly. There may be days or weeks that we just cannot seem to get the temperature right. Adjustments we will make.  

We will make it a point to hug each other every day. Even if our schedules get so hectic we don’t see each other during the waking hours. Because you and I have both learned that distance can only be bridged when we take the action to make contact. NOBODY cares if I’m sleeping-hug me so that you never forget how much you like to. And even if I’m afraid to hug you after a long stressful day, I will because I came to this life to give and receive love and hugs are the simplest expression. 

We will make love. Often. And sometimes not often enough, but we will never allow that to disrupt our passion for each other. We know that life gets in the way sometimes, but we will talk about the sex we aren’t having until we can bring it back in. You won’t be afraid to wake up a little extra early or go to sleep a little later. There is no right or wrong time to have sex, there is only creating the space for it to exist. You will know this, and we will always create space for loving each other wholly. 

We will cook together or not cook together. Sometimes we will eat together and other times there will be a prepared plate waiting for our later than usual arrival. Meals will be important and will not be consumed in front of the television. If the only time we get to spend together is for dinner-we will make sure that it counts as contact. This is a relationship built on quality. 

We will have a garden. One for flowers and one for fruits and vegetables. We will struggle with this, but we will be determined to help it grow. We will pour our overflowing love into it. We will not be afraid to get our hands dirty. 

We will always make an excuse to get outside. We will sleep in tents until our bodies can’t handle it anymore. Then we will buy a camper.  We will look at the stars and not need to talk about them. Maybe we will talk about them. It doesn’t matter. We will gaze up taking in the natural phenomena, and you won’t bring up the word “phenomena” because you’re tired of hearing about phenomenology. Instead-you’ll shift your wonder into sounds of “ooohh” and “ahhhh,” and I’ll give you a phenomenological lecture anyway. 

When you take my picture to post or not to post, but to put me into a framing mechanism so that you can go back and access that moment whenever you would like; I will thank you. I might even laugh at your attempt to contain me, but you’ll already understand the value of a moment, and the relationship between space and time. I will meet you with the words that shape my world and my soul to show you that we are all art, we are all expressivists, and we all deserve to create and keep precious memories. 

Our home will be filled with books, plants,  and photographs. We will know the value of adventures: intellectual, physical, and spiritual. Some we will share, others we will have on our own. Some over the course of weeks and others in the course of an hour. We will never settle our growth, but we will create a place of peace and serenity to always return to. This is what we will call our home. 

There will be one, maybe two children. We will laugh and cry together as we realize that parenting is like super fucking hard. But we will look back on all the stuff we have been through, and know that this is just another challenge worth taking on. Because we know now that the most important lesson this life has given us is to know and believe in the power of creativity. 

We will be madness and we will be chaos. All of this will be apparent by the smiles we wear plastered on our faces almost all the time. We will be fueled by laughter and we will honor our fear. I will meet you, and you will meet me. Together we will grow, always. Together, we will build an adventure and call it our life. 

Until we return to the stars. 

Whoever you are, I hope you come in soon. I’m waiting for someone like you. 

-Love

Excuse Me, There’s A Reason For This Madness

She was right in thinking that turning our past wounds into excuses isn’t healthy or good. I actually made a lot of excuses for her because I knew her history. I wanted her to feel safe. Ultimately, it wasn’t as productive as what I can now understand to be the truly loving work that happens between two people. 

The primary difference between a reason and an excuse is accountability. 

A reason is a logical and objective explanation of cause and effect. An excuse places blame on something external. 

To break it down simply: 

reason=responsibility 

Excuse=escape

Excuses add bricks to the walls we build. Reasons carve out doorways. 

To relate that to some of the situations that WE have encountered I would argue it as a temporal thing. Of course we are shaped by our past. But if we bring up the past as a justification as to why we are behaving a certain way in the present-that is an excuse. If we are able to identify the current problem objectively and take accountability for our contribution to the current shitty circumstance then we have found a reason things have taken the turn they’ve taken. With this, reasons help find solutions for better actions in the future. Excuses keep us tethered to old patterns of behavior by handing our power back to the painful circumstance that shaped our world view. World views are allowed to change, and I think they should often. This is an indication of growth. To be clear, there are many indicators of growth in life, but I am speaking specifically of emotional growth. 

I have been doing a lot of work to understand my old childhood wounds, and working to heal them. In other words, I have been thinking about this a lot. 

They say that nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to learn. I guess I knew there was more learning to be had with her. So, I’m grateful to re-open the door, and the pain. 

I’m not going to say that I have never made excuses, or that I won’t do it in the future. However, I do find a certain sort of liberation in understanding the critical difference between these two modes of thought. 

I’m trying to decipher which of those were reasons or excuses. It still ends up being a temporal thing to me. As children we are easily impressionable, and it takes a lifetime to come back into our true selves. My goal in this life is to unlearn all the negative bullshit that has been projected on me from external sources, and people who can’t or won’t be honest about their pain. 

She said that she doesn’t understand how it [love/relationship] could work with someone else if it didn’t work with me after being together for as long as we were. Time invested doesn’t mean shit if the walls are still there. 

We can’t change our pasts, but we can change our reaction to it. Listening to her last night showed me that she is still in the victim role. We are often victimized as children. But we don’t have to stay there as adults. She said that she doesn’t mind being the hardass at work because as long as she can justify the value for the greater good, then she’ll do the thing that other people don’t necessarily want to do. I think that is totally fine, admirable even. Yet, it ultimately comes down to motivation. 

The work persona and the personal life persona are slightly different. When the “love of your life” tries to explain that they are not happy in the relationship it is not an attack on you, but a demonstration of love; a person who really cares about wanting to make things better. I know I put a lot of things on her-thinking if she could do something different then we would be better, and this often kept me from taking responsibility for my own shitty (codependent) habits. 

I don’t want to be codependent anymore. It is self destructive, and it keeps me in a constant position of powerlessness. I am not powerless. 

Those walls we build to keep us protected from the threats of the external world are not safe heavens. They are prisons that deny us the true freedom that comes with real love built from vulnerability. Each brick in that wall is an excuse. Reasons are what will pull them down. We can hide and run for as long as we would like. I know that I am finally ready for something different. 

I wish her the best in all that she does. No matter how much I still want it to be her that I share my life with, I’m FINALLY beginning to understand that no matter how much she has to offer someone, she does not have what I need. 

I came to this life to face and conquer fears. This is not easy, and it often leaves me in a state of anxiety and frustration. I’m learning that this energy can be used to propel me forward. I don’t always know what steps to take, and she’s right, sometimes I just need someone to tell me where to go, or what step to take. I’m looking for the person who always wants that first step to be toward them, and if they can see that I’m too scared to take it, then they step in closer toward me. I’m looking for the people who want to stand next to me when those arresting moments happen. The people who want to encourage me to take a step and do so by stepping toward me and not away. I want a person who isn’t going to look at my discontent as a fault, but for what it really is-a yearning for something more. Because this is the kind of person I want to be for myself, and for my partner. 

Comfort zones are great, but nothing ever grows there. I don’t want my comfort confined to a zone. I want safety. I want to be uncomfortable so I know I’m moving forward. I want risks and failures and movement. I want more and always more. 

I have been stuck for the past year. Sure, I moved to another state. Sure, I got into a phd program. Sure, I’ve done a lot of growth internally. I’ve retreated into my quiet space. I’ve wrapped myself in a cocoon. I’m ready to emerge from it, and I have no idea what the next step is supposed to be. What I do know is that I can’t be with someone who sees those cocooning periods as withdrawal. In my mind, they are not that. It’s about growth and understanding. I suppose I can admit that it would be helpful if I could articulate this process a little more clearly. Self-awareness usually comes from mistakes. 

Part of this creatively analytical mind I have brings forth a whole lot of daydreaming. As I work through the possibilities of where I want to go and what I want to do, I take my time. When I decide what I want, then I will take the action steps to get there. I’ve spent the larger part of the last year hung up on her. No matter how many people told me not to be. I asked her about these things, and she made excuses as to why we could not have those things that I thought would bring growth and togetherness. “I just can’t see it happening.” And “When do you think you’ll actually have time for a kid?” Were the excuses she offered. And even, “You talk about these things like they’re something you want in your own life, but you’ve never said you wanted them with me,” like, who else would I be talking about? See, external circumstances blamed for her own inability to create something new. The reason was fear. To be fair, she’s admitted that, but it didn’t change her perspective. 

The facts are there, and pretty clearly laid out. We aren’t compatible people. My primary hang up was that I had decided the direction I wanted our life to go, and she all but denied that possibility with no wiggle room. This threw me into a tailspin of uncertainty and disorientation. Although I wrapped my mind around it BEFORE I left-the mind is a tricky place to be. There are things I left behind that I associate with security and safety. Our home. Our home life. Dual income. Comforts. And of course, my dream of having a family. Ultimately, she WAS right; I don’t need her, specifically, to achieve those things. I just need someone who is ready and willing to take that risk with me. 

She told me that she felt like the only reason I wanted her to move with me was for financial assistance. But we never even merged our finances. Her money was hers, and my money was ours. She is the one who told me to just take out the loan, and be a normal student. She never, ever indicated that this would be something WE could figure out together. Then, more recently, she said that after she got the first paycheck from her promotion, she wished she had her “spouse” there to share it with. I got hung up on the shift from accusation to celebration, but that’s a moot point. This is just more of the same. Her narrative shifts, and makes no sense in relation to the previous plot points. 

Ultimately, none of this about money for me. It’s safety and security. Emotional support. Comfort. I realized that I have those things on my own. In fact, I have those things built with a much more solid foundation here than I ever did there. This is the reason I left, and took responsibility for my own life. I needed something different. Something that did not exist in that space. I don’t need to beat the dead horse. We both know I’m not going back. 

I’m finally finished with the push and pull. I can see how that whole game was fueled by excuses. I pushed when I was triggered. I pulled when she didn’t react the way I needed her to. The reason I left is because she does not have what I need-openness, vulnerability, strength, and emotional security. Just excuses piling up bricks in a wall that I will never be able to break down.