Lost and Found

The pit catches
Your heart when it falls
To your stomach
Despair

Desperation
I can feel her
Looking at me
Discomfort

I look back
What else am I supposed to do?

I wish I could write about anything else
I wish the hook would come loose
I wish I could see the perfect life we live

When she tried to catch me
She only saw half of who I am. 

The scales of my lower half
Only for refracting light
Holding in my shiny. 

I glide through the water
Not swimming, rather
Being In between
here and there
Then and now
Her and I

Stopped

Azure. 

I wonder sometimes if it was her fault 

I know how much she hated children
I wish I could have known how

It would all work out
I don’t know 

Why we had to go
There just wasn’t enough space
In her house
Or heart for you
Or my love

Azure. 
Eyes telling stories 
Of time before we knew it

Taking My Power Back: A Letter to My Former Partner That I Probably Won’t Send

C~

If you’re going to reach out-I’m here to step in first. The odds of you reaching out because the shit hit the fan with you and your latest sexual conquest are high. We have been here before, and the door is now closed. If you’re planning to reach out because you are finally in a good place, and you think enough time has passed, think again. It likely hasn’t. But know that I am happy for you. 

Before you reach out to me, recall that time I told you that I didn’t trust you. Know that it was because I was finally beginning to listen to my inner knowing. The things you were telling me about this other woman. The things I listened to with compassion and objectivity: that she drained your energy; that she seemed like a good match, but didn’t actually have her shit together; that you were about to tell her to take her crazy girl bullshit elsewhere; that you understood how distractions worked; that you were certain the only thing she wanted you to say was that you wanted to be her girlfriend, and that wasn’t going to happen; that you were going to stay single for the rest of the year; that I was the love of your life, and you’re okay with that. Etc. You know the drill. I bring up the past to show you why I have a particular stance in the present.

For the first time, I was actually recognizing the manipulation AS IT WAS HAPPENING. This “look at how desired I am. Look at all this awesome stuff in my life now that you’re gone.” Mixed with the intonation that, “Nobody is as awesome as you. Poor me.” This time,I actually even had a visualization of a chessboard, and pawns moving. But baby, I’m a queen. 

Of course, any person with a truly objective framing on this situation could see how clearly you were searching for approval. How you needed me to be a distraction from your distraction because your distraction stopped working. You needed me to supply the energy that you were lacking to move forward with your goal. And how easily i fall into my own toxic patterns. But when I didn’t give you what you were looking for, you went back to the other distraction. Of course, you just said, “Well, I’ve let you go.” Because it is that easy, right, just a switch flip and the feelings go away. That’s what you always said. But I was different, you said that, too. So, before you reach out know that I understand that I wasn’t. I just stuck around for a really long time, and I would always let you come back. In fact, I waited for it as anxiously as I waited for my next opportunity to leave when your true self began to emerge again. 

This time we were just going to be friends. And my “No” started to get stronger, “no you can’t come to visit,” wasn’t easy to say, but my god am I glad I had the strength to say it. So, if you’re planning on reaching out, remember-I’m worth more than a distraction, and I know that now. 

I find a comfortable respite in myself knowing that this is no longer a space of judgment for me. It is pure observation. The observation is that your words and actions do not match up. And that I don’t have to say that this is right or wrong for your life, but that it does not align with what I want in my own. 

This was the same thing that happened whenever you said you weren’t going to drink on a particular night and I learned to prepare for the shit storm that was coming because those were the nights you got most fucked up and combative. You say you’re sober now, and I am so proud of you for that growth and change. 

The day I told you your controlling behavior toward me was your alcoholism manifesting in a different way, I was just trying to get you to see where you were still hurting, and how that was also hurting me. 

 I don’t want to be in a space where I am constantly on edge preparing an emergency kit for the shit storm that is brewing in your own soul. Nor do I want to exist in a space where the wreckage is frequent, and blame is passed like a hot potato. And I don’t want the feeling of constant questioning to keep rising because I just cannot make sense of things that just don’t make sense. Like telling me you don’t want kids, but telling another friend that you do. My apologies for the assumption, but it seems like the partner of 7 years who had been pushing for babies for two years might be a little higher on the list of people to tell you wanted kids. Instead, I was just told “no.”

So, before you reach out again, understand that I now require a level of integrity of those I invite into my life-something you have repeatedly shown me you do not possess. 

Sexual conquests, and drinking aren’t the only things. It’s also about how you talk about your friends. Always complaining. Yet spending your time with them anyway. I often wonder how many of them actually know who you are. But then I wonder if I ever did. And finally I wonder if you do. Regardless, I know how much I don’t want to be one of them because I don’t deserve to be treated that way, and I know that there’s no way that I got some sort of free pass where I’m just the unicorn for whom you only have good things to say. Because I understand how fucked up I have been, too. It gets like that when you keep fighting for something you believe in, but doesn’t actually exist.  I really believed you were the person I wanted you to be-the person you said you were. For some, ignorance really can be bliss, but I cannot live a life filled with illusion and delusion anymore-be it mine or someone else’s. So, before you reach out to me, please take a long deep look into your own life choices, and try to understand why this door is finally closed. 

For the record, I’m not a jealous person. No matter how much you’ve convinced me otherwise. I often went back and forth between I don’t trust you, and I don’t trust myself. Both were true. The bigger truth is that I’m a highly intuitive person who learned a long time ago not to listen to that voice because there was no point…I had no power over my circumstances. Now, I can listen to that little knowing because I am not a helpless kid anymore. I am the master of my own destiny. My jealousy in our relationship was never unfounded. In fact, there was more evidence piled up over the years of why I COULDN’T trust you than why I COULD. I knew every move you were going to make before you made it. And I asked you about it hoping you could give me a rational explanation to extinguish my own fear.

 Maybe this was negative manifestation, but maybe this was my intuition guiding me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t effectively translate that through my own inner knowing and I consistently gave my power over to you while simultaneously trying to control the outcome which I was never going to be able to do. I wanted so badly to trust you, and you and I both know I tried. I sought truth around every corner, and the more I searched the more scared you got. The more scared you got, the more you acted out. It was a vicious  cycle.

So, before you reach out, understand that I really do just know things, and I’m okay with that now. It’s a skill that still needs some fine tuning, but I accept this part of myself I have rejected for so long. I’m breaking my own cycles, and in doing so, I have to break all contact with you. This is my power now, and you can no longer drain it.  

The serenity prayer asks us to find the space of acceptance for the things we can’t change, courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It took me a really long time to understand that “accepting someone flaws and all” in the name of love did not mean “accepting unacceptable behavior that is damaging to our own spirit.” It took me a long time to understand that courage and fear were two sides of the same coin. It took me even longer to understand what it is I am truly afraid of. It took me a long time to gain the wisdom that comes with the clarity of knowing that sometimes people just aren’t a good match for one another. So, before you reach out, remember that I am no longer waiting for you to change. I have accepted who you are, and I found the courage to step into my own fear of abandonment to say, “hey, if they leave you…that’s nothing about you. Because you, my darling, are awesome, and sometimes that’s too much for some people.” And that’s okay. You were too much lie, and I was too much believe. 

I told you that I believed you were capable of making the best choices for your own life. Well, I wanted to believe that. I wanted you to believe that. The more and more I watched you say one thing and do the opposite-the more I knew I needed to restore my own energy reserves.  I hope that you have come to realize all of these “flaws” in yourself, and I hope you can use them to propel yourself forward. As I have come to realize where I was the poison in that relationship. Sometimes our strengths and weaknesses are so closely related we get lost on the path of our own knowing. So, before you reach out, please understand I am finally on my right path, and nobody has the will to pull me off. 

I’m not here to blame you or myself. This message is meant to bring clarity, and provide a space of forgiveness for myself and you. Remember, we are always mirrors. I was so afraid of being abandoned by you, or by anyone, I accepted the unacceptable over and over again. There was a part of me that thought I deserved the emotional abuse. I had abandoned myself.  There was a piece still hurting inside me that thought if I could just behave better, then you would still love me, and you wouldn’t leave. I know, it seems like I left-of course, I exited the space that you claimed we shared, but at every opportunity exercised your right to show how it was your house, and I was a visitor. I’m not talking about physically leaving. Leaving happens in many other ways. You left whenever you shut down. Unfortunately, you were always going to leave. You had to. One, its in your nature. Loyalty is not your strong suit. Sorry, but it clearly isn’t, as evidenced from the years I tried to make sense of it all, but mostly from that last incident when I told you I was hurting, and you tried to push it away for another day, but more importantly for the way you went to another woman in order to avoid what was going on with me-the one you claimed to love. That’s not love. And I don’t deserve that. So, before you reach out, understand that I already have all the answers, and everything else I ever thought I needed from you. 

I waited a long time for an apology I would never receive from you. I even listened to your stories about how poorly you felt for what you had done to these other women, and tried to believe you as you tried to convince yourself that I was somehow different. i kniw now that i wasn’t. and with every missed opportunity for you to apologize to me, my wounded ego grew more sour. I needed to forgive you, and I needed you to feel remorse. But I couldn’t make you feel something you didn’t. I couldn’t make you love me the way I needed to be loved.

Eventually, I had to forgive myself. It wasn’t you that needed to apologize to my soul. It was me. When I began to forgive myself for staying in a space that I did not belong: a space where I was a secret, a scapegoat, an emotional dumping ground, a crisis counselor, and a convenience, but not a lover, a true friend, a real partner, or companion; I finally did let you go. And I finally grabbed on tight to myself because I have the strongest love anybody could ever give me. 

So, before you reach out just know that wherever I am, whatever I am doing, and whoever I’m with…I am delightfully happy, just as I said I would be. And know that my happiness never had space for you. And it still doesn’t. 

I hope that you have found the right space to fit into. I hope she really is what you need and deserve-and I know she is for better or worse, but not as in marriage vows. I mean, even when the shit hits the fan she was the best choice you could have made so I could finally save me. I still hope you can love her in all the ways we couldn’t seem to love each other. 

If my assumption about you and her is wrong it doesn’t matter either way. Because this is the only version of you I can ever know. Because it is the one you have most consistently shown me-a predator, a liar. When I finally stepped back to observe the actions rather than rely on the words you used to build the illusion, and the way that illusion best fit my needs at the time. I find truth, clarity, and hope. 

I hope you understand the true reason our paths crossed. All the lessons to be gained from all the years we spent dancing with the devil. I’m finally learning to love myself. I’m finally seeing my own power. So, before you reach out, do us both a favor. Please, just don’t. 
❤️~T

Her Eyes

There are days that they are green,

And I know that she feels most alive reflecting the earth from which she is growing. 

Some days they are blue. 

When she has drifted into the sky and she threatens to become a cloud. 

On the worst days they turn grey. 

Then, we can only find our knees to pray that we can make it through this gentle storm. 

Her eyes tell me everything I ever needed to know about the emotions that she will not show. 

July 2014

I wish there were words to give you so you could understand how much I love you. 

I’m learning that There aren’t words for everything. 
So, that day you told me my words meant nothing to you has become evidence of how wrong I have been about love. 
I love you the same way I live. 
With intent. 
With nurturing. 
With perseverance. 
With motivation. 
With action and no action  
And because I have no other choice. 
You are the reason home is home.  not a place to go, but a place to be.
Presence is more valuable than presents. 
Although those are nice, too. 
And you, you love me in a way no fairy tale or romantic comedy could portray. 
Although our romance is often comical. 
You bring me love in all you do. 
The way you sleep comfortably close, but allowing the small space between us and my hand on your hip. 
Your love is your excitement for my accomplishments. 
Your love is quiet, but it is not unnoticed. 
You keep me safe and wild and free and contained. 
Love is balance. And you are the acrobat on my heart strings. 

Rooms

Opening doors
Then closing 
When the moon chants
 “the truth
Will set you free”

Walking through doors
Crossing the threshold
Of trauma’s recent history

Just because we are in different rooms
Does not mean I have forgotten
I simply pushed through. I asked you to come, too.

I walk with such small
Grace, but I know that this
Is not a race. If I stumble
I always take time to fall. 

Maybe you’re in the room on the other side of the wall. 

A Rebuttal, of Sorts ️

I am bound by the crooked in my smile.

Happiness displayed always as a contorted reality of who I am.

My grin does not eat shit and it has certainly had enough of yours. 

What you cannot know 

Keeps you

Here. 

Truth. 

I do not put sugar in my coffee, nor do I drink it black.

I inject it, straight into my veins; slow was never my way to remain safe. My cup is always full.

There are more than two butts in any half-hour increment of my life. And this rebuttal is only half of why

My pen rests comfortably on the only fuck you I have left.

And constant silent weeping for the moments

I have lost; that were never even mine.

Fear not that you will return, but

that you have not left and you will not go. 

The one space that you wanted into the most

was the one I was most careful with the lock.

The long dark corridors of my heart

were no match for your wandering.

 

I left a candle burning deep inside;

A little light,

a testament 

to the fire hazard I have always been.